Season 3, Episode 7: The Great Escape
Recap by Filbertfox

Synopsis

After last week, we were left asking ourselves the following questions...

1. Can we get through another episode without Yvonne?
2. Will we ever see Nikki's 'fabled' hat?
3. Will Helen report Fenner for the crotch grabbing incident?
4. Does Helen buy her trousers from 'Rent a Tent'?
5. Can Di Barker get any more scary?

Anyway, hopefully they will all be answered this week...so, put on your party trousers because I’ve got a one way ticket on the freedom bus to oblivion and I’m taking you all with me!!!

Okay...

Episode starts in the screw's locker room where Bodybag is holding court...

Bodybag : All I needed was two fat ladies and I'd've got Jimmy's jackpot!

For all of you non-Brits out there, you can breathe a sigh of relief because she's not actually relating her bizarre sexual practices...she's actually talking about one of our fine British institutions - namely, Bingo...'two fat ladies' is the number '88' and Jimmy's jackpot...well, maybe she is talking about her bizarre sexual fantasies...anyway Bodybag and Gina leave the locker room then and Di decides to be completely Barking and has a root around Josh's locker...she's having a good sniff of his liquid shoe polish with an expression close to ecstasy on her face when Fenner walks in...Di hurriedly closes said locker and makes an excuse about Gina leaving her jacket behind...Fenner's clearly on another planet because he seems to swallow said pathetic explanation, although he does glance rather significantly in the direction of Josh's locker when Di flees the room.

Out in the corridor, Helen is in the process of letting herself through one of the gates when Fenner catches up with her...she tries to slam the gate in his face but he isn't having any of it...

Helen : Don't even talk to me!
Fenner : (Pushes his way through the gate) What? Not even to apologise? I'm sorry...I...I shouldn't have blown up like that.
Helen : You assaulted me.
Fenner : Oh cut the text-book politics will you?
Helen : (Losing her temper but she's obviously terrified too) Well what would you call it Jim? A friendly grope between colleagues?
Fenner : Apology accepted then?
Helen : You're a shit Fenner! And if I thought I had an iota of a chance of anyone believing what happened I’d get you sacked in a second!
Fenner : Finished?
Helen : Yeah, I am for now. (Goes to walk away)
Fenner : (Grabs Helen's shoulder) Look, things have been a little bit tough for me or had you forgotten.
Helen : (Pushes Fenner's hand away, completely outraged) Just get out of my way! (Pronounced 'Get outta ma way', coz she's Scottish, innit?)
Fenner : (Moving closer and beginning to lose his temper) I wake up dripping with sweat every night!
Helen : Oh my heart bleeds!
Fenner : I have panic attacks every time I walk through those gates!
Helen : It is nothing you didn't bring on yourself!
Fenner : Ah, but you see I blame you Helen, because every time I walk in here I have to face the evil cow who came that far...(holds thumb and forefinger an inch apart)...from killing me!
Helen : (Totally pissed off now) Well let's just hope that next time she's THAT much luckier!

Helen walks away and leaves Fenner having another attack of the dreaded wobblies!

Next scene, we're gifted with the sight of Karen Betts...she's in the officers' room telling the assembled screws that a production company called 'Kickin' Productions' will be in Larkhall shooting a 'fly on the wall' documentary...

Karen : All I know is they arrive next week and the show is called 'Lady Lags'!

This is met by a few rumbles and a lot of laughter, Bodybag is the first to voice her disapproval...

Bodybag : As if this lot didn't think they were celebrities already!
Gina : I dunno...this could be your big break Sylv, look at whatshername on that driving programme.

But Gina's sarcastic comment has obviously zipped over ye Olde Bodybag's head like a low-flying jumbo...

Bodybag : (Coyly) Oh give over!

Okay, this weeks 'Larkhall Award for Irony' is presented to Di 'completely' Barking for the following howler...

Di : Yeah, well I don't like the idea of people I don't know watching me!

LMAO!!! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black Miss sitting outside Josh's house at all hours Barker!!!

Karen informs the screws that the crew will only be filming those inmates and officers who have given their permission to be filmed and that she'll be making that clear to them...Bodybag still ain't convinced though...

Bodybag : As if we haven't got enough to do as well as entertaining the nation to boot!

Helen arrives then, and boy does she look rough...top acting by Simone Lahbib here I must add...she looks every inch the victim as she asks to have a private word with Karen...could she be about to drop Mr Oily in it up to his neck?? Let's hope so!! Fenner obviously thinks this is the case too because he watches Karen leave the room with a face that suggests that he's just shat a load in his pants...hope you're wearing your bicycle clips Fenner!!!

Up in Karen's office...

Helen : So how are you and Jim getting on?
Karen : (Confused) I assumed this was about you.
Helen : I take it you're still seeing him.
Karen : Yes...(slightly irritated)...although I don't see what it's got to do with you.
Helen : (Anguished) Is it serious?
Karen : It's going...very well, so well that we're thinking of moving in together.

Ooops, looks like Helen's not going to receive much support if she confides in Karen, who else is there left that she can turn to??

By the way...you don't need to be Magnus bloody Magnusson to work out that something is extremely wrong with Helen...she looks like she's about to burst into tears at any moment; she's pale, drawn and tired looking - basically, she looks like a woman with the weight of the world on her shoulders...so, bearing this in mind, do we believe for a second that Karen might not notice that there's something seriously wrong??? Maybe she's been listening to so much of Fenner's bullshit that she's lost the observation part of her brain...well obviously, she believes that British TV's answer to JR Ewing is all sweetness and bloody light...someone put the bloody woman right!!

Out in the garden, we finally get that much awaited shot of Nikki wearing the 'fabled' hat...and...It’s...a black baseball cap and it looks bloody awful!!! Anyway, she's pushing along a wheelbarrow full of bedding plants when she espies Helen through the gate...

Nikki : Hey! Missed you! You don't write, you don't phone...(notices that all is not well with Helen as she turns away to unlock the gate)...Helen?
Helen : (Looks as though she's about to burst into tears) It's nothing.
Nikki : Don't look like nothing.
Helen : I'll sort it out myself...(Pronounced 'I'll sort it oot maself, coz she's Scottish, innit?) (Unlocks gate and steps through)
Nikki : (Going into strop mode) I might've known I couldn't be of any use.
Helen : (Locks gate and turns...a look of total anguish on her face that stuns Nikki into silence) Nikki, if I tell you, you've gotta promise me it'll go no further...(Pronounced 'furthah', coz she's Scottish, innit?)...I mean it.
Nikki : Hand on heart...what's happened?
Helen : (Hesitates) It's Jim Fenner...
Nikki : I might've guessed.
Helen : The other night...I was in the office...and he was having a go as usual...(pauses when she hears a screw's walkie talkie in the background, both look round shiftily until screw disappears)...I really didn't expect what happened after that (Voice beginning to break)
Nikki : Like what?
Helen : (Fighting back tears) He assaulted me!
Nikki : (Total and utter shock) What?
Helen : (Fighting back more tears and making little squeaking noises in the process) Between my legs...he said he knew what I needed to sort me out!
Nikki : (With feeling) I'll kill him!
Helen : I really don't think that's gonna help right now.
Nikki : He sexually assaulted you!
Helen : Calm down! (Looks around, fighting yet more tears) I don't know what to do, other than lock him in a cell with Shell Dockley.
Nikki : Have you told Stubberfield?
Helen : No, I can't.
Nikki : (Total disbelief) Why not? Get the bastard sacked! It's time someone did!

They look at each other...Helen's totally and utterly distraught but can't show it...Nikki's obviously itching to give her a cuddle, but can't...Jesus! They really are putting these two through it this series aren't they???

Back on the wing, Gina's putting up a poster about the documentary...the usual suspects, i.e. Shaz, Denny and Buki think it's a cracking idea, but the Julies have more than a few reservations...

Julie S : What if our kids see what it's really like in 'ere Jue? It'll be...
Both Julies : ...terrible!
Julie S : They never think, do they?
Julie J : Best keep out the way then eh?
Julie S : Yeah.

Across the landing, Gina runs into Di Barker who is standing with an extremely wistful look on her face...no, it's a look of complete and utter longing as Gina approaches, we notice that Di's got a smile that indicates that she's imagining rolling around a bed in a fit of passion with someone (guess who??)...Gina, observant superscrew that she is, immediately twigs what's going on...

Gina : What's up with you? Missing your toyboy already?
Di : Who?
Gina : Who? (Only she really takes the piss and pronounces it Hooooo?) Josh! I've seen the way you grope him with your eyes.
Di : I think you'll find it's the other way around.
Gina : Oh yeah?
Di : Yeah, he's always following me around, he seems dead keen.
Gina : What you waiting for then? There's plenty in here who'll break him in if you don't!

Gina swans off then and Di is left aiming another one of those scary looks in her direction...oooops, like I said a few episodes ago...Gina Rossi, you're dooooooomed!!

Just while we're on the subject of great acting...Tracey Wilkinson is acting out of her skin this series...she's walking a really fine line with this psycho stalker dealie, it would be so easy for her to go completely over the top, but she plays it right on the button...she's totally believable and all the more scary for it!

Up in Karen's office, Fenner arrives for a chat and she tells him that Helen was in earlier asking questions about their relationship...Fenner rather cagily asks what Karen said and she replies, rather triumphantly, that she told Helen that they were getting on 'very well' so well in fact that they're thinking of moving in together...he's pleasantly surprised and the pair snog briefly before heading off for a meeting with Stubberfield...

I should be heart-broken that she's shown her pathetic gullible side again, but I think the band-aids are holding it together quite well...I hate to say it, but I’m completely going off Karen now...I’m realising that there's a lot to be said for an intelligent woman, and let's face it, Karen's proving that she ain't got the brains God gave a 'Twiglet' this series!!!

Up in the Fat Controller's office, he's showing that he'll do anything for a bit of good publicity and is trying to convince the assembled company (including Karen, Helen and Fenner) that the documentary is a good idea...oh blimey!! I have a feeling that this guy would strip naked, shove a radish up his arse and run around the exercise yard singing 'I Should Be So Lucky' if it meant the chance of a bit of good PR...anyway, for once, Karen, Fenner and Helen are united as they all make their misgivings known...the Fat Controller ain't listening though and informs them that the crew will be filming in G-Wing first...

Stubberfield : Thought I'd send them to the prettiest governor first...win 'em over for us eh Miss Betts!

Oh my God!!! Pass me the sick bucket, I think I'm gonna throw!!!

During this, Fenner and Helen have a bit of an eye-meet across the table...he's looking all smug and she's looking like a rabbit caught in the headlights...one more reason to consider him to be a complete and utter BASTARD!!!

Down in the yard, the luvvies (film crew) have arrived and are assembling their equipment as they lament on the poor security...

Soundman : (To passing screw...the one who let Nikki out in S2Ep13) Hey, aren't you gonna strip search me or something?
Screw : Only if it turns you on darlin'! And remember, I look better from the left!
Cameraman : I've had a harder time getting through a supermarket checkout!

Up in the Fat Controller's office...he's at his slimy best as he welcomes the film crew, Fiona, the director, wants to discuss a plan of action, but he's too busy trying to get himself a starring role...

Stubberfield : Now, what about a shot of me on the wing, saying hello to the girls.

The film crew exchange eye-rolls, and who can blame them?? This guy's as persistent as Carol Vorderman and Anthea Turner combined when it comes to trying to get a shot of his mug on the box!!! Anyway, the crew are taken down to G-Wing during lunch...predictably, there are a few wolf-whistles for the soundman and the cameraman before Karen introduces the trio to the assembled inmates and receives a predictable response...

Shaz : Do you want to hear my choking chicken impression Miss?

Okay, so we're all wondering what that involves...but not for long though, because Fiona is introduced and she tells the assembled inmates to 'act like we're not here'...there's a series of differing reactions to this - Shaz is clearly up for it, Shell's relishing the chance of rubbishing the prison, Nikki would clearly rather disembowel herself with a blunt instrument than have any part in it, and Bodybag's quite obviously convinced that she's another Maureen from 'Driving School' because she's wearing make-up and by the looks of it, has just paid a visit to the poodle parlour to get her barnet seen to.

Shell, predictably, seems to have taken a bit of a shine to Chris, the soundman...first she brushes past him very obviously, and then when he bumps into her with his microphone when they're filming the Fat Controller doing a Scarlett O'Hara down the stairs, she does a Barbara Windsor impression...

Shell : Oooh! Careful naughty! (Giggles)

Okay, hands up who was expecting the soundman to 'yak yak yak' like Sid James then????

Anyway, the Fat Controller lumbers down the stairs and says a cheery 'good morning' to the assembled company, unfortunately, the response isn't what he quite expected...

Stubberfield : Morning ladies!
Both Julies : Wotcha?
Buki : Who's that?
Shaz : Stubby summat...I dunno.
Fiona : (Pissed off) CUT!

Later, Fenner loiters outside Shell's cell when it's time for her interview with Fiona and the film crew...

Fiona : Tell us how you ended up here in Larkhall.
Shell : Mistake innit?
Fiona : You mean you're innocent?
Shell : Yeah! Only they had to set an example see, what with it being in the papers...there was this girl see, got herself tortured to death...but it weren't me! It were them other slags!
Fiona : You didn't actually hurt her?
Shell : No! I tried to 'elp! But they cut 'er up bad, said they were gonna do it to me n'all, so I 'ad to watch din't I? She was pretty too, lovely long red 'air, didn't look so pretty when they set a match to it!
Fiona : (Totally engrossed) Must have been awful for you.
Shell : It was! Smelt rotten! Never been able to curl me eyelashes since! And all the time she's screaming at me, begging me...but what could I have done?
Fiona : Then what happened?
Shell : Well she died didn't she? Just as well, no man would ever 'ave looked at 'er after that!
Fiona : And you took all the blame?
Shell : I 'ad to! Them girls was nasty!
Fiona : Nastier than the girls in here?
Shell : In 'ere? Nah, it's not the girls you gotta worry about in 'ere!
Fiona : (Getting excited at the prospect of a scoop) Oh?
Shell : Well we're all locked up ain't we? Poor defenceless women! It's the screws that get away with it all.
Fiona : What do you mean by 'it all'?
Shell : Well...banging women up for a living...says it all dunnit? They can get into our cells at any time of the day or night...ask Jim Fenner!

And, as if by magic, Fenner appears...he puts an end to the interview immediately, the crew respond by sticking the camera in his face (what? and it didn't crack??) but he refuses to be filmed and orders them out of the cell. Shell is determined to get the last word of course...

Shell : You can run Mr Fenner...but you can't hide!

Shell giggles evilly, Fenner goes all wobbly and...

End of Part One...

Part Two...

It's straight back into the documentary and Bodybag's holding court for the cameras and putting on a posh voice...

Bodybag : This is what we call 'free flow', where the prisoners move between their place of work, or education and the wing and...

Unfortunately, Shaz and Denny decide to ham it up in the background and share a massive snog while all of the other inmates wolf-whistle...Bodybag, sensing that her moment of glory might be edited out is extremely pissed off...but the crew are dead chuffed with it before turning to Buki...

Fiona : What do you think about the activities on offer here at Larkhall?
Buki : (Lifts her top and shows her tits) BOLLOCKS!

Di Barker intervenes and leads a frantically protesting Buki away...

Buki : Tits and arse! That's all they're interested in, coming in here goldfishing! Fancy a bit do you love?

By the way, for someone who disapproved of the whole documentary idea, Nikki is clearly secretly wanting her face to appear on the TV because she's quite obviously milling about in the background in all of these shots...but...then we realise why, she's looking for an opportunity to get Fenner on his own...she spots a chance when he's up on the G2 landing on his own but is thwarted when Gina wanders over to talk to him...

Gina : Got a fag?
Fenner : Pissing you off as well are they?
Gina : 'Specially that Fiona! (Puts on posh voice) "Don't you think it's all down to upbringing and education?" I could twat 'er myself!

Well, that settles it...Zandra is obviously channelling her psychic energy through Gina Rossi!! I really do like this woman!!!

Nikki realises that she's missed her chance and we all heave a big sigh of relief...we know what she does to bastards who sexually assault her women!!

At lunch, Shell decides to chat up Chris the soundman and puts on her little miss sweet and innocent routine, little does he know that she's a complete and utter psycho, but someone obviously forgot to brief the production team...he's totally captivated and asks her to join him...well, he's a man, isn't he??? Brains well and truly in his trousers, well, until someone like Dockley slices 'em off!!!

But, while all this is going on...Nikki spots her chance...Fenner's just walked into the officers' room to make himself a cup of tea and is totally alone...

Nikki : Can I have a word Mr Fenner?
Fenner : What do you want Wade?
Nikki : (Steps into the room and closes the door) An R & C form, I want to complain about the TV crew.
Fenner : Don't waste my time.
Nikki : Know what you are Fenner? A first class bastard!
Fenner : Yeah? Well women like that sort of thing, real women anyway.
Nikki : Dockley didn't, did she? (At the mention of Shell's name, Fenner does his rabbit caught in the headlights impersonation and Nikki sees this) Not in the end. (Spots nearby empty milk bottle and moves over to it...putting her hand around it but not touching it) She had a way with a bottle...just like me.
Fenner : (Realises that he might be in a spot of bother and has another one of his wobbly moments - he's swallowing a lot, sweating and basically looks like he's just shat yet another load) Get out of here Wade! (Totally unconvincingly)
Nikki : And here's me...all I want is one little form...(Does an incredibly convincing psycho number with her eyes)...it's enough to really piss me off!
Fenner : (Totally petrified now) I said that's enough...back off!
Nikki : You know, if I wasn't getting out of here...(Looks down at bottle)...it would almost be worth it.
Fenner : All I’ve got to do is shout.
Nikki : I could replace that sneer of yours (mimes slitting her throat with her hand) with a lovely big smile.

Just then, Fenner's salvation arrives in the form of Helen who's obviously seen what's going on and thinks all of her worst nightmares are about to come true...she's totally flustered when she erupts into the room.

Helen : Nikki! What's going on?
Nikki : Thanks for listening Mr Fenner...feel much better now!

Nikki leaves the room and takes her nasty mullet with her and Helen is left staring at Fenner...she realises that he's been totally menaced by Billy the Fish and sets off after her.

Brilliant by Nikki here...she's obviously been taking menacing tips from Yvonne because she totally gets to Fenner by acting completely against her normal 'Mount Vesuvius' nature and never raises her voice once...and in doing so, she scares the living shit out of Fenner who is left a completely gibbering wreck.

Anyway, we always knew that Nikki would mount her white charger and set off to defend the honour of her beloved, but Helen obviously can't believe it and tells Nikki so up in her cell...

Helen : Are you out of your stupid mind?
Nikki : (Kevin the Teenager returns) Sorry!
Helen : There's your appeal out of the window! I have been working my arse off to get you out of here or hadn't you noticed? All I ask is for you to keep your head down and your nose clean!
Nikki : You couldn't expect me to say nothing! I have got feelings you know.
Helen : (Completely losing it) Yeah, but what kind Nikki? Anger, jealousy, violence! Those aren't the qualities I generally look for in a person! Just remember what got you in here in the first place!
Nikki : I didn't touch him!
Helen : No, but you wanted to!
Nikki : What? And you don't?
Helen : I am not the one in here serving life for sticking a bottle into a Policeman's neck!

Helen leaves the cell then having made her point and Nikki is left feeling a total prawn! Oh dear...I can definitely see it all starting to go downhill now...and, I hate myself for saying it but I can totally see Helen's point (yeah yeah Coops...just don't say you told me so!!)...picture it, you've just been assaulted by a complete and utter bastard, you're scared...you confide in the woman you love, hoping to receive support and understanding and what do you get?? Nikki doing the old 'you hurt my woman I bang you over head with club and feed you to sabre toothed tiger' routine...you can understand Nikki's reasons for doing it, because if Fenner had done that to someone I cared about I’d want to slice his goolies off and serve them to him pickled on a plate...but, Helen's going against her nature enough as it is already, and to be seen to condone Nikki's actions, however well-meaning, would just go completely against the grain...methinks that Dr Yes Yes might be the one who swans in and wins the day because of this.

Anyway, enough of my pontificating, Bodybag's trying to impress again...

Bodybag : I like to think of the girls as friends really...I see myself as an older sister offering help and advice.

Cut to Di and Gina pissing their sides laughing in the background here.

Fiona : Do the inmates respond to this approach.
Bodybag : Some do, some can turn very nasty...as my Bobby says - "A kind word costs no more than a cruel one." You only hope that someone, someday will appreciate it.

Gina and Di are in complete hysterics at this point...but are interrupted by an alarm bell ringing in one of the cells...ooooh...action, drama...the film crew are loving it and are hot on the heels of Gina and Di while Bodybag is left standing there looking like a Eunuch in a brothel.

Turns out that Buki's been cutting herself up...she's got a great big gash in her arm...Gina the superscrew is quick to take control of the situation...Di is dispatched to take the Julies back to their cell and orders the film crew out...I really, really, really like this woman!!! Yikes!! What does this mean???

Up on G3, Fenner is letting the inmates out of their cells and has another one of his wobbly jelly moments in front of Shell's door before opening it...cracking moment here...she's waiting just inside the door and manages to scare the living shit out of him yet again!! It was rather like that moment when Shell woke up in the Muppet Wing to find Mad Tessa in her bed...

Shell : Morning!
Fenner : Inside, I want to talk to you. (Steps into the cell but stays by the open door) I don't want you round here anymore Shell.
Shell : Well that's a shame 'cause I ain't goin' nowhere.
Fenner : Yeah? Well that's where you could be wrong...you and that Chris seem to be getting very friendly.
Shell : So?
Fenner : So, I could get you his van keys, you could be out of Larkhall for good.
Shell : Yeah, and Shanghaied all the way to bloody Durham when they catch me! Nice try Mr Fenner!
Fenner : If I could've had you transferred, don't you think I would've done it by now?
Shell : So why haven't you?
Fenner : 'Cause bloody Stewart runs the show around here these days, that's why...I’m serious...I can spring you.
Shell : Go on then, how you gonna do it?
Fenner : I swear...one word about this and it's finished before it's started.
Shell : I ain't gonna tell no one...not if this is real.
Fenner : (Looks out of cell door to check no one is looking) I hear that Stewart's got all the lifers keeping daily diaries...that right?
Shell : Not me! I ain't writin' down me privates!
Fenner : Well start, only back date it to 6 weeks ago...I want every meeting written up, dated, described.
Shell : Okay.
Fenner : Only lay it on, say how friendly it all is...relaxed...in fact, sometimes you're surprised just how relaxed Miss Stewart is with you.
Shell : (Realising what his masterplan is) You plannin' to dump her in it?
Fenner : Yeah, with any luck.

There's only one thing I can say at this point...BASTARD!!!!

Down on the landing...Nikki catches up with Helen...

Nikki : You were right...again.
Helen : There are ways of going about things other than violence Nikki.
Nikki : Yeah? You just haven't thought of one yet! (Realises she's planted flip flop firmly in gob again when Helen goes to walk way) Sorry!
Helen : Look, I understand how you feel, but this is my battle...why don't you concentrate on fighting your own? (Walks away)

Oh shit!!!! Is it just me or does it seem like Helen's totally washed her hands of Nikki? She's totally having a crisis about her feelings though at least...could this really be N&H RIP???

Down on the block, the Fat Controller's talking to Buki in front of the camera...God!!! This is most probably the first time he's ever been down the block in his life, he's usually too busy playing golf and picking up stray bits of fluff from his carpet!! Anyway, it starts off badly...

Stubberfield : What is all this about Buki? It's just attention seeking isn't it?
Buki : Piss off!

And it continues in this vein...Stubbsy trying to show his caring counsellor side but asking completely the wrong questions and only succeeding in winding Buki up into a psycho episode...

Buki : It's like a storm...this rage...this anger! I've gotta get it out some how...I've got to!
Stubberfield : Why are you angry...Hmmmmmmm? (Pulls stupid, patronising smiley face)
Buki : You really wanna know?
Stubberfield : (Realises that maybe he doesn't really want to know) Now then Buki, I'm keeping you down here on Rule 43 until you can promise myself or one of the officers that you're going to stop all of this.
Buki : The first time I got shafted I was five years old!

Stubberfield realises that he's totally lost control of the situation and calls the cameras off while Buki continues to talk about being abused by her care worker and his friends. The Fat Controller ain't listening though but Fiona wants to hear more...

Buki : Want me to tell you the details do you pervert! Pervert! PERVERT!

End of Part Two...

Time for the bog and another can of beer...back in a sec...

Part Three...

In the officers' room, Fenner's putting the first phase of Operation Free Shell into action by taking impressions of Chris's van key and one of his own keys onto a bar of Plasticine...and I betcha he gets the keys made up...just like that!! How??? I wouldn't have thought that dodgy locksmiths were ten a penny...maybe it's different in South London...

Anyway, up in the visitor's room, Julie S receives a visit from David...she's concerned about the fact that she wasn't allowed a visit unless she signed a disclaimer to allow the TV crew to film visiting...David's completely okay about it but Julie doesn't like the idea of people seeing him visiting her in prison on TV, especially as he's attending public school...as far as he's concerned, he doesn't give a shit, he just wants to see his mum...Awwwww!!! Talk moves on to Trevor and Julie tells David that he was there at the school play...David's dead excited about this and so is Julie...looks like she's eager to pick up where she and Trevor left off on the outside...oh dear, but what's Julie J...sorry, Sonia gonna say about that???

Across the room, Di's having an emotional moment...

Di : I find myself filling up at times like these...just thinking what it would be like to be separated from my mum.
Gina : Be glad to be rid of mine...spike her bloody Teasmaid myself one of these days!

Despite Fenner's warning...Shell's busting to tell someone about the imminent escape attempt and reveals all to Denny, only she doesn't mention Fenner...she asks Denny to go with her, but she hesitates, obviously torn between the thought of escaping and leaving Shaz behind...Shell is obviously a bit pissed off about this but tells Denny to think about it...LMAO!! You'll be waiting ages then Shell!!

The lifers assemble in the library for a meeting and the film crew start to set up...Helen though, takes great exception to this and a superb confrontation scene follows between her and Fiona of the dodgy headscarf...blimey! Who does she think she is?? Axel Rose???

Helen : I'm sorry but you can't film here.
Fiona : This is the Lifers' Group isn't it?
Helen : Yeah but it's a closed session.
Fiona : Oh, he hasn't told you, has he?
Helen : Who?
Fiona : Mr Stubberfield...he particularly wants us to film what goes on in here, thinks the Lifers' Group shows Larkhall at its most progressive.
Helen : (Totally not impressed) Well Mr Stubberfield doesn't run this group, I do...and I don't want you here.
Fiona : Err...you don't seem to understand...(Completely patronising voice that's obviously winding Helen right up)...we negotiated an access all areas policy throughout the whole prison.
Helen : Not with me you haven't! So, you can just pack up your things and leave...Now! (Pronounced 'Noooo', coz she's Scottish, innit?)
Fiona : (Hands on hips) I am only doing my job!
Helen : Not historically a great excuse, is it Fiona?

Helen's completely won the argument here, and everyone knows it, including Nikki and Shaz who are both grinning with admiration in the background...Fiona realises that she's beaten and leaves.

Down in the officers' room, Fenner is seen comparing his dodgy key to Chris's van key...seemingly satisfied, he pops the new key into an envelope containing money before putting the envelope into his pocket.

In the dorm, Denny finally admits to Shaz that Shell is planning an escape and that she has been asked to go along...Denny says that she's going to turn Shell down though because she doesn't want to leave Shaz. Shaz however has other ideas...why can't she go as well??? Denny is ecstatic and the two plan to blackmail Shell into taking Shaz along as well because...

Shaz : What's Shell gonna do? Tell Mr Fenner?

LMAO!! If only you knew Shaz!!!

Talking of the Devil...he's up on G3 and pays Shell another visit...the escape is on for tomorrow!!! He takes Shell's diary and then tells her that she's got to go to chapel tomorrow...she'll find keys to the chapel corridor and outside gate taped under her seat and that she's to crutch them as soon as she finds them. She's to make her way down the chapel corridor and out through the exterior door, he'll leave the van keys and £100 under the front wheel of the van. Shell asks how she's going to get out of the front gate, and this is when we find out why they got an actress that has the same hairstyle as Debra to play Fiona...Fenner tells her to put on a headscarf and just act cool, the van hasn't been searched once and it's highly unlikely that she'll be stopped.

So the escape is on, and now that the diary is in Fenner's hands it looks like Helen's goose is well and truly cooked!!!

End of Part Three...

4am!!! I want my bed!!!

Part Four...

Shell does her spin-doctor routine and ropes the Julies into her escape attempt unwittingly by telling them that she's got something planned that will ruin the filming. The Julies agree to turn up at the chapel service and start a diversion when Shell tells them to...little do they know that she'll be making her escape during the mayhem.

Things are going to plan outside as well, Fenner manages to leave the van key and the money where he said he was going to...sharp eyed viewers will notice here that he's wearing a pair of half-mast trousers and they're flapping around his ankles...obviously Karen isn't as handy with the 'Daz Automatic' as Marilyn was!! Let's hope she shrinks his undies too, that'll give the bastard something to worry about!!!

The inmates arrive for chapel, and it's obvious that the prospect of being caught on camera has upped the congregation...just like 'Songs of Praise' innit??? Anyway, some poor unsuspecting extra is sitting in Shell's seat and she shifts her before sitting down and starting to grope underneath it for the key...shock! Horror! It isn't there!! Fenner did definitely say, right hand side aisle seat...pity Shell didn't think to write 'L' and 'R' on her cowboy boots because the daft bint has sat down on the left hand side...she realises her mistake but the service has started...how's she going to move seats without being noticed???

Meanwhile, Fenner arrives in Shell's cell...he places the diary in one of her drawers and a 'Kickin' Productions' business card in her locker...he then hides the key mould...which is now a very obvious looking bar of soap rather than the block of Plasticine he used to make the impressions under her mattress before leaving the cell...safe in the knowledge that he's left enough evidence in the cell to divert suspicion away from himself.

Back in the chapel, things are going from bad to worse for Shell, and she realises that the only way she's going to get things back on track is to make a total arse of herself in front of the cameras...so, she stands, holds her hands together as if in prayer and then walks slowly down the aisle towards the chaplain...sticking her tongue out rather pathetically when she reaches him to take Communion...

Chaplain : It's not Communion yet Shell.
Shell : Oh...sorry...I thought I 'eard this voice...calling me.

Shell is told to return to her chair, so she manages to shift the poor extra again and sits down in the right hand chair...voila!! She finds the keys and crutches them...

The inmates are told to sing a hymn and the Julies, in true 'Songs of Praise' style, ham it up for the camera...well, until Shell gives Julie S the nod...conveniently, the sound boom collides with her head at this point, giving her the opportunity to kick off...she pulls the furry microphone off the boom and chucks it across the room...it is caught and thrown around from inmate to inmate until the place is complete chaos, giving Shell the perfect opportunity to grab Fiona's jacket and leg it down the chapel corridor...but what she doesn't know is that Shaz and Denny are hot on her heels.

Shell reaches the first gate and is forced to decrutch the keys...as she is doing this, a look of intense concentration on her face, Shaz and Denny catch up with her...Shell is livid that Denny has brought Shaz along but she hasn't really got time to argue and is forced to agree. After a bit of fiddling with the keys...they're through the gate and carry on down the corridor.

Up in the officers' room, Fenner is on the phone to Karen and tells her that everything is quiet and that...

Fenner : I miss you.
Karen : Jim Fenner! You old softy!

Oh please...pass me the sick bucket someone before I throw-up all over my laptop!!!

The two talk about moving in together and maybe taking a holiday before Bodybag's voice is heard calling him over the radio...this is it!!!

Shaz, Denny and Shell have reached the outside door now and there's a bit of a dicey moment when Shell struggles with the key...but it opens finally, just in time for them to see a screw standing just outside the door...fortunately, she's called away to help deal with the mayhem in the chapel and the three make it through the door and over to the van where Shell finds the key and the money where Fenner has left them. Shaz and Denny climb in the back of the van and Shell climbs in the front and puts her seatbelt on...things seem to be going well...maybe too well...

Shaz : 'Ere, you can drive can't you Shell?

Shell nods and then pulls a head scarf on...she starts the car...and...the bloody thing won't move!! Shit!! Cue Shaz to the rescue...

Shaz : Your hand-brake's on!

With Shaz and Denny giggling frantically in the back, Shell manages to drive through the gates without a second glance from any of the screws, and when they finally hit the road...

Shell : 'Ere girls...we've only gone and bloody done it! WE'RE FREE!!!!

Back in the chapel, Fenner arrives and shouts at the inmates until they calm down, he then turns to Bodybag for an explanation...

Bodybag : They just went wild like a load of banshees! One minute it's 'Sing Hosanna' and the next minute, all hell's broken loose!

Fenner tells Bodybag to check that everyone's present and accounted for...ooops!!!

On the outside, the gang are congratulating themselves...

Shaz : I can just picture the look on Bodybag's face!
Shell : Yeah, well I reckon we owe Hollamby a little visit for old times sake!

Back in the prison, a very sheepish looking Bodybag faces the music...

Bodybag : They're not all here.
Fenner : Are you sure?
Bodybag : I've checked twice...there's three of them gone!

And Fenner's face is a picture when he discovers that Shell has taken Shaz and Denny with her...Ha ha!! Serves the old bastard right!!! Fenner orders a search of the prison and Bodybag is left in a right state, obviously seeing her pips flying out of the window again!!

Meanwhile, Shell is struck by a touch of road rage when another driver cuts them up, Shaz ain't too chuffed either...

Shaz : Oi Grandad! We're on the run here!

Shell decides to go after the car...they collide and the van comes off worse...when she tries to restart it, it won't and they are forced to leg it...unfortunately, Shaz is a bit too hasty when she jumps out the back of the van and her ankle gets tangled up in a load of wires...she falls out of the van and it's obvious that she's f**ked her ankle.

Denny's caught in a dilemma here...she doesn't want to leave Shaz but a taxi has just miraculously appeared out of nowhere and Shell is urging her to run...Shaz tells Denny to go and Shell promises that they'll come back for her...

Shaz : Go, have a pint for me!

Denny finally agrees and her and Shell leg it to the taxi...

Shaz : Love you Den!
Denny : Love you Shaz!

Shell pushes away the woman who was about to get into the taxi and her and Denny climb in...Shell instructs the driver to take them to King's Cross and as the taxi pulls away, Denny stares out of the back window at Shaz who is sitting in the road.

Will they get away?????

Awards (by Coops and Filbertfox)

Top Dog of the Week
Nikki's confrontation of Fenner was superb, perfectly calm and self-assured. Threatening without getting physical.

Shell reached new heights in manipulation and is no longer a babe behind bars.

Gina Rossi Superscrew again for taking control of the Buki situation while Di flaps ineffectively in the background (again) and giving the film crew their marching orders.

Twatting Twat of the Week
This is getting very tedious.... KB again, I'm afraid. When will the scales fall from her eyes?

Yeah, ok Filbert, Helen was a bit annoying as well. Of course Nikki was going to do or say something after she discovered what Fenner had done. In the circs, I think Wonder Wade was v. restrained.

Stubberfield...he would do anything to get his face on the box wouldn't he?

Weedy Pigeon of the Week
Helen. Without excusing what Fenner did, it was a surprise to see her fall apart quite so badly. [Yeah, and I bet Dr Yes Yes turns up soon to help her pick up the pieces!!]

Buki the slasher.

Poor Shaz got left behind in the end, crumpled in a heap with a sprained ankle.

Spin Doctor of the Week
Stubberfield's attempts at PR.

Worst Girl of the Week
Shell's claim for injured innocence during her interview. Puhlease.

Best Line of the Week
Bodybag: Two fat ladies and I'd've had Jimmy's jackpot.

Fenner: ...I have to face the evil cow who came that far away from killing me.
Helen: Well let's hope that next time she's that much luckier.

Chris the sound engineer: Don't you want to strip-search me or something?
Male PO: Only if it turns you on, darling.

Shell: Never been able to curl me eyelashes since.

Gina: Can't you read?
Denny: Not big words, miss. [aah, bless her]

Gina: I could twat her myself. [yay! another Twat from the new screw] [Our Zan is definitely channelling her psychic energy through Gina]

Nikki: She had a way with a bottle. Just like me.

Helen: You're a shit Fenner! [And so say all of us!!]

Worst Line of the Week
Karen: It's going very well - so well, we're thinking of moving in together. [Filbert faints in a heap on the floor and has to be revived by Jeri Ryan whispering 'Resistance is futile']

Stubberfield: Thought I'd send them to the prettiest Governor first. [pass the bucket]

Shell: She died, didn't she? Just as well. No man would ever have looked at her after that.

Helen: There's your appeal out the window. [oh please, slight over-reaction there]

Bodybag: I see myself as an older sister, offering help and advice. *lmao*

Nikki: I'm sorry. [well there's a line we've not heard before *lol*]

Di: I don't like the idea of people I don't know watching me. [As opposed to people you do know you mean?? i.e. sitting outside Josh's house in your car]

Helen: Look, I understand how you feel, but this is my battle...why don't you concentrate on fighting your own? [Oh dear, looks like it really is H&N RIP at the moment!]

Warring Faction of the Week
Helen and Fenner; Nikki and Fenner.

Buki and her self-esteem.

Helen and director Fiona.

Best Performance by an Extra
The woman in Shell's seat, who not only looked convincingly scared of Dockley, but also leapt around after the fluffy mike cover like a deranged netballer.

The Larkhall rugby top put in several appearances, although disappointingly worn by the same person each time.

Sight of the Week
Nikki's gardening cap - she's just not a hat girl is she?

Buki's flash for the cameras.

George Eliot postcard on Nikki's pinboard - bless.

Shell sticking her tongue out for a Communion wafer.

Shell's face when trying to detach the keys from beneath her chair; and then again from between her legs!!

Shell's Barbara Windsor impression, complete with 'oooh naughty', dirty giggle and oodles of cleavage.

Shell pushing that woman away from the taxi...brilliant!

Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
Josh has got a locker without even having done his training yet.

Why was Fenner at the meeting with Stubberfield - he's not a Governor.

Why did Fenner need to take an imprint of both sides of the van key, but only one side of his own key? Some more points about the keys...

1) When he takes the imprint, the mould is definitely a rectangular piece of white Plasticine...but when he hides it under Shell's mattress later in the episode, it is quite clearly a bar of soap.
2) Have you ever tried making an imprint of anything in a bar of soap?? I tried it with a fork earlier just to test my theory...completely impossible!!
3) He quite clearly takes an impression of 1 cell key, yet Shell ends up with 2.
4) For taking the imprints and getting keys made - just like that!!

Fenner's lost his bottle (and that really wasn't meant to be a pun, honest) with Shell and Nikki, but manages to restore order in the chapel no problem.

Not a good advert for Citroen vans - one little bump with an old banger and it breaks down!

Other than for the purposes of dramatic licence, why did Shaz get left behind? Even if she'd broken her bloody leg they could have got her into the cab in seconds.

Where did Shell miraculously extract the headscarf from?? Did she crutch that as well?

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