Season 3, Episode 6: Do or Die
Recap by Filbertfox

Synopsis

Well...I’ve already worked a 13 hour day today and I'm totally without 'Red Bull', so, if I should happen to start snoring halfway through this one then someone give me a sharp prod with a pointed stick. The Message Board has been going wild this week with predictions about this episode and I can certainly feel the build up of blood pressure around the country...so...are you sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin...

We start this week with a meeting of the lifers group...Helen's at the helm as usual and behaving suspiciously like a Primary School teacher faced with an unruly classroom of 7-year-olds rather than someone faced with a room of some of the most dangerous women in the country...I’m sorry Helen fans, but I really cannot stand that patronising 'let's be nice to each other, because hey, we're all human' type of voice she uses, but anyway...

Helen : Right! So you'll all have to get packing today because all of the lifers on G-Wing will be moving to single cells on G3.

Notice Nikki grinning like a loon in the background...but, oh no! She's obviously been dipping her head in the chip-pan because you can see the oily gleam on her barnet from across the room.

Shell, who is the only lifer in the room with a face like a smacked bum, is the first to respond to this news...

Shell : You gonna shove Atkins off out then? 'Cause she ain't a lifer is she?
Helen : Yvonne Atkins is in isolation on another wing pending a Police investigation into her husband's murder. (LMAO!! It's Taggart! - 'There's been a murder')

What??? Oh shit! That means no Yvonne this week then!! BOLLOCKS!! Hmmm, three guesses who Coops is gonna have as top-dog this week in her absence...Scottish by any chance???

Anyway, the look of shock on Shell's face mirrors the expressions of a million viewers around the country...

Shell : What? Like you think she'll get done for it then?
Helen : Moving on...
Shell : Excuse me right, but all us done murder first go off, well Atkins bodged her up d'int she?
Nikki : (Smiling) For Christ's sake Dockley! It isn't a competition!
Shell : Well we wanna keep it special don't we?

ARRRRGGGGGHHHH!!! Excuse me for a moment...have just realised, Nikki's hair is now seriously close to becoming a mullet!! Am I the only one who's thinking 'Billy the Fish' from 'Viz'???

Okay, back to the commentary...LMAO at Shell, she'll be setting up a homicide premier league before you know it...she'll be the Scum (that's Man Utd), Shaz has to be your homicidal equivalent of an Accrington Stanley because it wasn't intentional and Nikki???? Well...somewhere mid table I should think...maybe your put-upon team with a big heart, and I’m thinking...hmmmm...Leicester City??? Okay okay, don't all tell me to stop bleedin' waffling at once!!!

Shaz takes this moment to make the obvious objection - she wants to stay down in the dorm with Denny, Helen says she'll think about it and Shaz then goes on to beg if she'll be allowed to see Denny down the hospital wing...again, Helen says she'll think about it, but Shell is in with an objection like Vinnie Jones giving a dirty tackle in the penalty area...

Shell : Oi bog-brush! Get in the queue, I'm first, innit?

We then get a shot of Denny wearing an oxygen mask and hooked up to a load of machines that go 'beep' before it's time for a bit of light relief, courtesy of the Julies...

The dipso duo are outside to put the kitchen rubbish in the big bins, whilst Julie S is squashing her bag into an overflowing bin, Julie J hears a 'miaow' in the background and tells Julie S to be quiet while she tries to track down the source of the sound...a few seconds later, a bin bag is lifted and we see a black cat...

Both Julies : (Gooey eyed) Awwwwwwwww!!!

It's obviously love at first sight, but what the hell are they going to do with it???

Back on the wing, Helen has Podger Pam in tow - the woman we last saw doing a 'possessed by Satan and all his ickle demons' freak-out dealie whilst laying into a naked Shell Dockley in the Muppet Wing showers. Helen looks more than a little uncomfortable as she leads Pam onto the wing, but that's maybe because she looks like she's just eaten a skipful of babies for her breakfast and is ready to tuck into Helen for dessert. Anyway, Fenner is straight over to demand where Helen is taking 'Podger', turns out that she's being taken up to G3, Fenner objects and for once, we all agree with him - can you honestly imagine the amount of mayhem this woman is gonna cause??? But St Helen of Ark, as always is on her crusade to help the weak and helpless, or maybe that should read insane and psychotic and gives Fenner incredibly short-shrift...

Helen : Maybe you should go and see a counsellor Jim!

Up on G3, a beaming Nikki arrives to settle into her new cell whilst Shell looks on...

Shell : Here comes the mobile library! I bet Babs is gonna miss her bedtime story!

Yeah...quick point, how's Babs the claustrophobic gonna cope with a cell on her own?? But anyway, Nikki doesn't let us down, she's right in with a stinging riposte...

Nikki : You should try reading sometime, feeds your tiny brain!
Shell : Feed me bleedin' arse!

Brilliant!! Just like one of those exchanges we so sorely missed from Series One, Nikki comes out with a brilliant reply and Shell is left mumbling under her breath, but not for long though because she espies Podger being brought up to G3 by Helen.

Another quick point here...Helen's trousers are easily amongst the biggest and baggiest I’ve ever seen...is the plan to sneak Nikki out in them???

The last time Shell saw Podger, she was pulling her loony act and kicking her half to death in the showers, we can't blame her for her shocked response...

Shell : K'in'ell!

And there is pure fear on her face as Podger is led straight into the cell next door, but she restores her confidence when she spots Fenner looking up at her from the G1 landing...he looks like a rabbit caught in the headlights and is deadly white when the fair Miss Betts comes across him.

Karen asks Fenner if he's okay, but he replies in the negative and goes into a tirade about Helen moving nutters onto the wing, Karen isn't that impressed...

Karen : I'm sick of your anti-Helen Stewart campaign! Makes you sound like Sylvia!

Fenner senses that Karen won't be recruited into his 'let's all hate Helen' club and puts on that pathetic expression that's guaranteed to break the gullible (but gorgeous) guv down immediately...he apologises and admits that he's still a bit shaken by the stabbing incident and asks for a few days to get his act together...she folds, as per bleedin' usual and the two head off for a cup of tea. Just as they leave the wing, the Julies can be seen sneaking up the stair with their pussy (CAT!!) hidden in the mop bucket.

Up on G3, Podger's fiddling with her rosary beads and looking all demonified again, the camera pans to Helen whose face is an absolute picture...you can almost hear her thinking - 'What the bloody hell am I going to say to someone who is obviously as mad as Di Barking on a good day?'...but you've gotta give the leather-jacketed crusader some credit for pitching in regardless...

Helen : I'll leave you to unpack your bags and then you can come downstairs and get some lunch.
Pam : (Wild stary eyes like a pitbull on speed) I'm not listening!
Helen : Pam, I’m putting a lot of trust in you, you've gotta try to make this work.

Excuse me, but was anyone else rolling around with laughter at that point? Talk about bang your head against a brick wall Helen!! Using that line on someone like Pam was about as useless a gesture as giving an emu a teasmaid.

Pam : Telling me you want to take my rosary away!
Helen : (Completely nonplussed) Sorry?
Pam : When I say my rosary they can't get through to me, but I can't say it non-stop can I?
Helen : No-one's gonna take your rosary away.
Pam : My mum used to say - 'if anyone wants to take my wedding-ring away they'll have to cut my finger off'. That's why I wear it round my neck...so they'd have to cut my head off!

Okay, you just know that if you were Helen, you'd be out of there quicker than hot shit off a shovel...

Pam : It's my own fault, I should try to be more like other people, shouldn't I?
Helen : You'll be fine Pam.

LMAO!!! Not at the crappy cliché from the queen of the pathetic line this series but at the look on Pam's face as she says it...wild poppy eyes, wild unruly hair, your classic mad harridan about to go off and bite someone's leg look...could you possibly picture someone else who is so far from fine they exist in separate universes???

Helen leaves Pam to it then, and where does she head first??? You guessed it, the lair of the towering inferno of lesbianism that is St Nikki of the Flip-flop...

Helen knocks on the door, Nikki looks up, Helen has huge grin on her face as she walks into the cell...

Helen : Nikki... (pronounced Neeeeekki, coz she's Scottish, innit?) ...can I ask you to do me a favour?
Nikki : (Slight smile) Yeah.
Helen : (Definite wistful look in the direction of Nikki's cleavage) Can you introduce yourself to Pam Jolly and take her down to lunch with you?

WHAAAAAAT???? Talk about using your influence and a barrel-load of emotional blackmail for good measure to get what you want!!! And you lot wonder why I don't like Helen that much...she's telling Nikki to 'F' off one minute, ordering her around like Barbara Woodhouse the next, and, being nice when she wants something...ooh Miss Stewart, you really are walking an incredibly fine line here...the enmity of lesbians around the globe is now hanging like the Sword of Damocles over your head!!!

Nikki : (Gives Helen a look as if to say - are you completely off your bread-box my sweet?)
Helen : She's gonna need a lot of support, she's very scared, and who wouldn't be after what she's been through.
Nikki : She's the scary one.
Helen : (Stern look) So you agree with Jim Fenner?

Knock-out punch there...my God! How come this woman will pull out all of the stops for every bleached-blonde slapper, moronic teenager and wild-haired harridan in her care and yet she treats the woman she's supposed to be in love with all the gentleness of a rutting elephant!!!

Helen : Listen, twelve years ago, Pam was at college training to be a teacher, in less than a year she's eligible for parole. In the whole time she's been in prison I doubt that one person has tried to have an intelligent conversation with her! (What, like the conversation you just tried to have with her Helen?) I'm just asking you... (pronounced yerrr, coz she's Scottish, innit?)
Nikki : (Martyred look) Alright, but you can't win 'em all you know?
Helen : What? Is that a principle for action?
Nikki : No, it's just an I care about you.

Oh shit!!! Soppy bloody music alert!!! Where do they hide that orchestra?? Prolly in Helen's baggy trousers!! LMAO!!

Helen : Just give her a chance. (Has tried the principled argument approach and now falls back on the 'Andrex' puppy look)
Nikki : (Bends down to pick up a book, sighs and then smiles)

Helen, knowing she's won, leaves the cell...okay, pass me that shotgun, I'm gonna take her out right now!!! Bloomin' hypocrite!!!! BANG!!!

Phew, after all that pontificating what I need now is a bit of light-relief care of the Julies...

The black cat is now safely installed in their cell and Julie S is giving said pussy (CAT!!) a stroke before tucking it up to go 'sleepy-sleeps' in a peach silk nightie...meanwhile, Julie J is keeping watch outside, bloody good job n'all because Di Barking is on the prowl with Josh in tow...our very own Stan Collymore looky-likey is all cleaned and pressed into a sharp suit...despite looking as guilty as sin, the Julies fall into their talking complete and utter bollocks defence and manage to convince Di that they're just a harmless pair of nutters...

Di : (To Josh) They've got their own little ways these two!

Di informs the Julies that Josh is training to be a PO, and after a predictable remark about how good he'll look in a uniform, they finally get left on their own and disappear back into their cell to coo over their pussy (CAT!!)...after a lot of 'ooohing' and 'ahhing' said cat is christened 'Tinker' - coz he's an ickle cute, flopsy wopsy Tinker, Julie S's mind soon turns to practical matters though...

Julie S : We gotta think this one through Jue.
Julie J : Eh?
Julie S : What goes in...(significant look at Tinker's rear end)...is gonna come out! Where's he gonna do 'is toilet?

Down in the officers' room, Fenner's smarming over my woman again (I’m currently awaiting a phone number for the hit-squad that took out Charlie last week!!), this time he asks her out for dinner and suggests that they go back to her place afterwards...she raises a bit of an objection by surmising that Fenner doesn't want to go back to his place just in case Marilyn should stop by unexpectedly, but he's obviously freshly greased the cogs in his brain and says that he'd move in with her but he doesn't want to rush her...again, the gullible (but gorgeous) guv is swayed by Mr Oily's charm and agrees to meet him after work.

Just as I’m dreading a snog moment, salvation arrives in the form of Gina, Di and Josh...

Gina : Ask the big guys...(turns to Karen and Fenner) What is the most important job of a baby screw?
Karen & Fenner : Make the tea!

Josh takes the hint and offers to make the tea, Di of course, offers to jump into the breach for him but he's an eager lad our Josh and rushes off to switch the kettle on...Gina can't resist a dig...

Gina : (Significant look in Di's direction) Girlfriend's got you well trained then?

Josh denies that he's got a girlfriend, and Karen, who realises that he's getting rather uncomfortable with the subject of conversation, jumps in to the rescue and offers to buy him a sandwich in the canteen, Josh is off like a whippet and Di and Gina are left alone in the officers' room.

Gina : You can see what sort of a sandwich she's after...her as the filling!
Di : Do you have to be so crude?
Gina : What you got between your legs Di? A picture of Jesus?

LMAO!!! A very reluctant Nikki is leading Pam down the stairs for lunch...she looks just like the kid at school who is picked out by the teacher to be nice to the new girl in the class.

Nikki : You have to pick up a tray.
Pam : (Looks at Nikki like she's talking Swahili)
Nikki : (Rolls eyes and picks up tray, forcing it into Pam's hands)

Nikki strides across the dining room with Pam in tow, painfully aware of the looks from the other inmates as they join the back of the queue.

Anyway, looks like Shaz has a temporary partner in mischief while Denny's away...

Shaz : Why do they call her Podger?
Buki : (Shakes head)
Shaz : (Puffs out cheeks and looks suspiciously like Pob (remember him??))
Nikki : You got something to say...Sharon?
Shaz : Just wondering who's your new girlfriend.
Nikki : Her name is Pam! You got her name right now or do you wannit smacked into your head? (Pronounced into yer 'ead, coz she's in streetwise pissed off mode, innit?)
Shaz : It's Pam right? (Turns to a frantically giggling Buki) Spam!
Buki : (Turns to Pam) Yo Spam!
Shaz : Respect Spam!

Brilliant scene here...Shell has observed this little exchange from her position at the front of the queue and in an incredible display of niceness, tells Pam to swap with her and join the head of the queue...Pam looks up at Nikki for permission only her face resembles a Staffordshire Pit-bull pleading with it's owner for permission to bite someone's leg...Nikki tells Pam that it's up to her, and Pam waddles off to join Shell...Shell's calling Pam to heel like a patient owner with a frightened puppy while Nikki glares at her suspiciously.

At the servery, Shell takes Pam's tray and places it on the counter...

Shell : Get dolloping Dawn!

And while Dawn complies, Shell decides to stick the boot in...

Shell : (To Pam) You wanna watch that lezzie Wade, she's worse than that Mad Tessa Spall!

Pam's eyes get even wilder and poppier at this point as she thinks about this...

Shell : There...(Hands Pam her tray)...Now, if I were you I’d scoff that lot upstairs or Nasty Nikki might take it off yer!

Nikki senses that something's afoot and strides over, but Pam is primed now and scurries off for the stairs with the whole of G-Wing laughing at her.

Nikki : What did you say?
Shell : Run for it Podger!
Julie S : Go Podger!
Julie J : Yeah! Run for it!

Run Forrest Run!! LMAO!!

Shell : (To Nikki) Well we don't want 'er putting us all off ours do we?
Nikki : You're a sick bitch Dockley!

After lunch, Helen catches up with Shaz and asks her if she wants to go and visit Denny, as the two prepare to leave, they run into Nikki at the foot of the stairs...

Helen : Did Pam come down for lunch with you?
Nikki : She came down, just didn't hang around for the floor-show. (Significant look in Shaz's direction that Helen notices before they leave for the hospital wing)

On her way off the wing, Nikki is stopped by the Julies...

Julie S : 'Ere Nik! Got somefing for yer compost.
Julie J : Saved it specially.
Julie S : Make some lovely manure with it.
Julie J : Nice and fresh and there's loads of it!
Nikki : What you on about?

The Julies take the top of their bucket and Nikki peers inside.

We get a significant shot of Podger reciting her rosary barkingly before we see an unidentified hand setting light to a pile of books (including 'Sophie's World) and Open University papers...before long, the whole lot is blazing furiously.

End of Part One...

Already flagging, so am off to make some coffee while the adverts are on...back in a tick!!!

Part Two...

Up on G3, it's Gina Rossi superscrew to the rescue...she spies smoke billowing out of one of the cells and grabs a fire-extinguisher, and while Di flaps around in the background, she puts the fire out.

It's off to the hospital wing...Denny is 'off the critical list' now and 'under observation' she should be back down on the wing within 10-14 days...Dr No No makes a point of blaming Shaz for the whole business and 'wasting my time' before bustling off to misdiagnose someone else. Meanwhile, it's like a scene from 'Terms of Endearment' as Shaz sits at Denny's bedside - It's me Den' and pleads with her to wake up, apologising to her for putting her in this position - 'You shoulda done it to me'...LMAO!! You can just see Denny doing a tongue piercing can't you?? She'd prolly end up giving Shaz a root canal!! Anyway, the brain of Britain opens her eyes for a few moments, long enough to be told that in a couple of weeks she'll be back in the dorm with Shaz, she smiles slightly and then her eyes close again, but luckily, it looks like she's on the mend.

Looks like the Julies have recruited Nikki and the potting-shed for another one of their hare-brained schemes...namely - hide the pussy (CAT!!) from the screw...

Julie S : It's our new little baby!
Nikki : (Arms folded, mean and magnificent in donkey jacket whilst leaning against the doorway of the shed) Cats always know how to find the suckers, don't they? And I
get the prize!
Julie S : Oh no! Won't be any trouble...will ya Tinker?
Julie J : We'll do all the looking after.
Nikki : Well I’m not having Tinker shitting in my shed!

LMAO!! Almost outclasses Yvonne with the delivery of that line!

Nikki : Gonna have to fix a way he can come and go.
Julie S : (Hit by brainwave look) Like a cat-flap!
Julie J : Cat-flap yeah!
Nikki : Yeah, that'll really keep the screws of the scent! I'll have to make him a tunnel down the side here so he can nip out under, think of something to camouflage it.
Julie S : We knew you'd 'elp us, d'int we Jue?
Julie J : We're ever so grateful to you Nik...so's Tinker.
Nikki : Well just tell him there's no S in front of his name right?

Josh is back from lunch with Karen, both are met at the gate by a harassed looking Di Barker who informs Karen that there has been a cell fire up on G3...Karen tells Di to go and get Fenner before rounding up all of the G3 inmates from association to be banged back up in their cells.

Meanwhile, Helen is holding a sort of 'meet the neighbours' session between Shell and Pam...Shell is looking at Helen like she's a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic while Pam moans in the background...

Helen : Look, I’m not asking you or expecting you to become the best of friends, just that you get along and that you make the most of what the Lifers' Unit has to offer you.
Shell : Well, it's like G3's our street, innit Miss? And me and Pam's neighbours, only you can't choose your neighbours, can you Pam? (Cut to Pam who is still moaning and totally unresponsive) You've just gotta say a cheery 'hello'...lend a cup of sugar, well, not that you can lend anything in 'ere, it's against the rules, but...(Turns to glance at Pam who is still away with the fairies)...I don't fink she's listening to me Miss.

Enter Di Barking to inform the assembled company that Karen wants the G3 inmates returned to their cells because of a cell fire...Helen looks extremely concerned when she is informed that it's Nikki's cell that's been burnt, and because of this, she misses the flash of a smug smile that passes across Shell's face...so, she's added arson to her bag of tricks has she??? Better make sure you've got your running shoes on if Nikki finds out Shell!!!

Up in Nikki's cell, the woman in question cradles her copy of 'Sophie's World' as Helen crouches down beside her...

Nikki : First thing you ever gave me. (Sighs and throws book onto the floor)
Helen : I'll buy you another copy.
Nikki : (Huffs and puffs) I warned you not to bring that fat headcase up here, but you always know best, don't ya?

Oh no Nikki!!! Why did you have to go and open your big mouth again?? A prime opportunity for Helen to be all sympathetic and supportive and you have to go and ruin it!! Oh well, at least we're spared the friggin' orchestra this time!!!

Helen : Everyone on this unit is a suspect Nikki, including yourself! I'm not accusing anyone until I’ve got proof! (Stands up, endangers Nikki's life with close proximity of flapping flares and leaves the cell)

Down in the officers' room, it's a council of war and Karen is instructing the POs to question everyone up on G3, telling them that she'll cancel all association until the culprit is found, Gina seems to think that it'll be a piece of cake...

Gina : Somebody'll know summink, you can't fart in here without a witness!

Karen rolls her eyes (swooooon!) at this comment and ploughs on, but Jim spots this as a prime opportunity for some Helen baiting and reveals that his prime suspect is Podger...Helen is quick to inform him that there are two arsonists up on G3 but Jim points out that there hadn't been any fires until Pam arrived on the wing...the two continue to spar and Helen theorises that the only person on the wing with a history with Pam is Shell, why would she want to burn Nikki's cell? The sparring continues for a while longer before Karen intervenes and Helen leaves the room...Karen's rather like the Sergeant from 'Hill Street Blues' here (you know, 'let's be careful out there')...

Karen : Okay, split the threes up between you and go grind them down.

Helen has volunteered to question Pam, but again is left banging her head against a brick wall as the woman in question continues to moan, obviously not hearing a word that Helen's saying...Helen takes the opportunity to scope out Pam's cell, and is particularly disturbed when she notices that Pam's covered her mirror up with sanitary towels.

The leather-jacketed crusader is straight down the hospital wing to ask Dr No No if he can see the significance of this...

Helen : What does it mean?
Dr No No : It means what we can see from her records - the woman's criminally insane!
Helen : I'm sorry Doctor but that isn't a diagnosis, that's an oxymoron isn't it?
Dr No No : What?
Helen : Well if she's insane, how can she be held responsible for her crime? And vice-versa.
Dr No No : I'm sorry Miss Stewart but I haven't got time for these verbal gymnastics.

But Helen won't be put off, she wants to know whether or not Pam has a mental illness, she's been treated for depression, but that's only a symptom...Dr No No tells Helen that she's always received the appropriate medication to keep her under control and tries to turn the tables by pointing out the errors of putting her amongst the rest of the population...still, she won't be deterred and asks Dr No No if he or any of his staff have any mental health training, but she should know by now that he only answers the questions he feels like answering...

Dr No No : Pamela Jolly is your problem now!

And Helen is left seething in the corridor.

In the officers' room, it's the end of the shift and Di announces her intention to take Josh for his first drink in the officer's club...Josh obviously has plans with Crystal, but tries to make the excuse that he's meeting a 'mate'...Di's in there quick as a flash and basically invites herself along for a drink with them...Josh asks if they can do it another time and Di starts to go barking, accusing him of being embarrassed to be seen with her...he starts to look confused and she realises she's gone too far and apologises before letting him off the hook...Josh flees, with an extremely relieved expression on his face.

Up in Karen's office, she's preparing to leave for her dinner and shag date with Fenner, he brings up the subject of moving in with her again and...shock, horror! Tells her that he's in love with her and that he wants his future to be with her...he's obviously said the right thing again because she snogs him...GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Down in the shower rooms, hearts start a beating around the country as we see Nikki preparing to pull back the shower curtain, it looks like she's naked and just when we all start to think that we might be in for a full-frontal, we sigh with disappointment when she is revealed to be wearing a flesh coloured towel...anyway, seems that Nikki's in a bit of bother, Tinker's got little visitors and they've been making a meal out of her...i.e. flea bites, she's covered in them and points this out to the Julies...

Nikki : Thanks to your mangy mog my body's bit to buggery!
Julie S : Oh we're really sorry Nik.
Julie J : We thought it was just us got bit.
Julie S : And it's not poor little Tinkers fault though.
Julie J : Cats and fleas...
Both Julies : ...that's nature!
Nikki : Listen Julies, you'd better think how to get poor little Tinker some flea treatment...quick, or he's moving out my potting shed, right?

The Julies try to come up with a plan and Julie S suggests that they contact Monica...only thing is, how are they going to sneak the stuff past the screws? Anyway, looks like Shell's been doing a 'number two' in the right place and at the right time again because she emerges from one of the cubicles...

Shell : Hey girls! Did I catch you saying something about a cat?
Julie S : Cat?
Julie J : What cat's that?

LMAO! They couldn't hide a snowball in an avalanche those two!!!

Shell : The cat that's got fleas!
Nikki : Listen Dockley, you heard nothing about anything, and nor's Betts, 'cause if she does, your face is gonna need surgery!
Shell : What you saying that for? Like I'm not a cat lover.
Nikki : I know exactly what you are doll, and I'm warning you! (Leaves the room)
Shell : (Waits until Nikki's closed the door before shouting) You don't have to lick pussies to like 'em, do ya?

The Julies grimace at each other at this point...you've gotta admit though, fantastic line from Shell there!! LMAO!!

Shell : I was gonna say, swap me a phonecard and I’ll get you a meet with my new Mr Fetch-it, bring anything in for an 'and-job 'im!

The Julies think about this for a moment and then agree...

Julie J : What's another hand-job?

They hand over a phonecard.

The next day??? Josh is having a friendly conversation with Gina and Di (cue scary look) is over like a whippet, she obviously doesn't trust her with him for a moment, she makes some excuse about them doing 'locks, bolts and bars'...i.e. checking the cell doors...Gina twigs immediately what Di's up to but she isn't given chance to get a dig in because Shaz interrupts and an awkward moment follows for Josh when she asks if he's heard from Crystal yet...Di's immediately interested and Josh makes an excuse about her having a joke with him, looks like he's diverted her suspicions, for now!!

Meanwhile, Fenner's having a wobbly moment as Pam turns her evil stare at him while she's standing in the dinner queue, Shell has noticed this and takes the opportunity to sneak up behind him, he nearly jumps out of his skin and Shell comments on this before handing him a request to have some new clothes brought it...he storms off and thrusts the request at Di before disappearing in a strop, probably straight down the nearest boozer!!

Di takes the opportunity to have a go at Shaz for 'cheeking Mr Mitchell', she informs Di that Josh fancied Crystal when she was inside and that 'we all thought they'd get it together'...this well and truly knocks the wind out of Di's sails and she slopes away.

Outside, Pam's having an 'episode' by the potting-shed, she can hear the cat meowing inside and obviously thinks that it's one of Satan’s little demons having a pop at her...the Julies are standing at a safe distance and decide to wait until Nikki turns up before trying to get in to rescue the cat.

Di and Josh are walking by and she shows that she's got an extremely devious side and brings up the subject of Sylvia's clock...which allows her to voice Dominic's suspicions that it was Crystal who pinched it, Josh, understandably is concerned by this but can't show it in front of Di who is obviously fishing...what a bitch!!!

But before she can stick the boot in again, a scream is heard...Pam holds her hands out like a crucifix and takes a run at the shed before starting to kick it and basically freak out. Di and Josh manage to restrain her but she's screaming...

Pam : HE'S IN THERE! I HEARD HIM!

My God! Satan in the potting-shed??? Won't Nikki be pleased!!

Brilliant comedy moment follows when Pam makes a break for it and pegs it across the lawn, pulling her hair out as she goes with Di and Josh in hot pursuit.

Back on the wing, the Julies are worried about Tinker when Shell turns up to tell them that their hand-job was so good that Mr Fetch-it will get them anything they want...they confide in Shell about their worries for Tinker and Shell's evil brain immediately concocts a plan and she tells them that she heard a cat up on G3...

Shell : I thought it was just Podger doing her spazzer act.

The seeds of doubt have been planted now and the Julies are now certain that Pam is holding poor little Tinker against his will for a Satanic black magic ritual (and I ain't just talking about force feeding him chocolates!!) or something along those lines. Cue a gathering of the Scooby gang, this time the members include Shell, Shaz and Buki as well as the Julies...they just want Pam to tell them what she's done with Tinker, but Buki's a woman on a crack-addicted mission...

Buki : Just pull my trigger right!

The Julies are more than a little scared by this display but Shell smiles evilly in the background.

Up on G3, Pam is doing her rosary again when the gang burst in...

Julie S : Listen, we just want our cat back.
Julie J : Have you got 'im in 'ere?
Julie S : Have ya?

Pam looks up and starts to laugh...only it's a completely evil laugh that suggests that not only has she sacrificed Tinker to the Devil, she's eaten his flesh, drank his blood and is currently wearing his intestines as a G-string.

Julie S : She's evil!

But Buki's seen enough, she's a powder-keg waiting to explode and she does, pushing Pam off her bunk before kicking her in the stomach repeatedly...

Buki : Where's the cat bitch?

The Julies are aghast, Pam's screeching with pain, Shaz is grimacing and Buki's obviously the real insane one.

End of Part Two...

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!! It's 3.47am!! Off for more coffee!!

Part Three...

Back up on G3, a distraught Pam is being comforted by Gina when Fenner walks in to see what all the fuss is about...

Fenner : Christ!
Gina : Made a right royal mess.
Fenner : I'm sick of this!

And it's clear that he's a man on the edge of a nervous breakdown as he leaves the cell.

Down on G1, Karen is giving Di a bollocking for not keeping a closer eye on Podger, Di lets slip that Fenner did another one of his famous disappearing acts (remember the Renee Williams incident) and relays her suspicion that he might be back on the booze. Karen spots Fenner approaching in the background and dismisses Di, determined to have it out with him...

Karen : Are you alright?
Jim : Not if I get asked that again.

Karen voices her concerns and Fenner admits that he's 'ballsed up', she urges him to take a few days off but he's adamant that would only make things worse, as far as he's concerned, the only way through this is to work through it...she suggests counselling but again, he refuses...

Fenner : Well that's just the kind of talk that makes it a hundred times worse for me! Can I say that? Do you mind? (Pause for a cold stare from Karen) I'll take my bollocking and get on with it, or you can just sack me...right?
Karen : Right, I’ll see your report first thing in the morning then. By the way, you were right about Pam Jolly, I’m going to get her moved.

She leaves him then and it's clear that he's probably gone and blown it with her again... Can you hear the sound of party-poppers going of in the Stoke On Trent area???

Up in Karen's office...

Karen : First it's the fire, then she goes berserk at exercise, now she wrecks her cell!
Helen : You don't know she wrecked her cell!
Karen : I'm sorry Helen, but the point is, we just can't cope with her on this wing, and if you don't agree with me then I’m going to have to speak to Simon!
Helen : You mean take the easy way out and wash our hands.
Karen : (Losing her temper) Look! You know bloody well that if there was any other option...
Helen : There is Karen if you'll help me...I want to get Pam assessed by an independent psychiatrist. That way we can find out exactly what's wrong with her and if she can be treated, we're getting nowhere going though Dr Nicholson...Your friend, the counsellor who helped us with Shell, she could recommend someone, couldn't she?
Karen : And what if in the meantime there's another incident and someone gets killed? Honestly Helen, I know what you feel but it's taking too big a risk!
Helen : Then it'll be my head on the block and not yours...read my report, see what you think...please?

However many days later, prepare to boo and hiss and throw every available missile you have to hand at the screen as the man who already has more nicknames than the Spice Girls makes his first appearance...Dr Yes Yes, Dr Has-Bean etc etc is signing in at the gate-lodge when Helen arrives to meet him...he's wearing a suitably crappy brown corduroy jacket (minus leather elbow patches though unfortunately!!)...Helen's all smiles and bonhomie as she leads him over to the room they've set aside for his interview with Pam and he's suitably slimy and up himself...prepare for hate mail Eddie Santini!!!

During the interview, it turns out that Pam heard the word of God and he told her to expect to give birth to the second coming...she packed her suitcases and left them by the door because he'd told her to expect someone to take her away...unfortunately, the only person to arrive was the gas-man who'd come to read the meter...Pam asked him where he was going to take her and he laughed, causing her to think that he was a demon sent by the Devil to kill her...she responded by fetching a knife, stabbing him and then setting him alight in order to 'send him back to hell'...

Dr Yes Yes : He didn't though, did he? He still talks to you in your head.

Aha!! So that's who she heard in the potting-shed...twasn't the Prince of Darkness, merely a laughing gas-man!!

Okay, so what do I think of Dr Yes Yes??? Slimy, arrogant, patronising waste of my licence fee...but, he manages to get Pam to question what she's done and whether or not she's a nutter...no doubt he'll win Helen's admiration - TOSSER!!!

End of Part Three...

Anyone got any match-sticks I can use to prop my eyelids open???

4.22am and all's SHIT!!!

Part Four...

After the interview, Helen arrives for the verdict...

Helen : So, how did it go?
Dr Yes Yes : Well, her symptoms clearly indicate paranoid schizophrenia – prominent and persistent delusions, hallucinatory voices, persecutory beliefs, although obviously there is some rational basis.

Oh my giddy aunt!! Check out the way that Helen hangs on his every word!! The man wears a jumper under his blazer for God's sake!! How sad is that???

Anyway, he's starting Pam on a course of anti-psychotic drugs but also recommends that she starts regular therapy sessions...Helen agrees and then asks him what he thinks of her treatment so far...Helen relays his opinion 'totally incompetent' to Karen, she launches into a long-awaited tirade against Dr No No...

Helen : How many more women's lives are we gonna allow this man to waste?
Karen : You're right...so?
Helen : I'm gonna go and see Simon now, are you coming with me?

Karen thinks for a moment and then agrees.

Two weeks later???

Denny is back on the wing and she and Shaz have an emotional reunion...

Denny : I'm back baby!

Up on G3, Pam is receiving her medicine...Helen arrives a few minutes later to find her removing the sanitary towels from her mirror so that she can put her hair back...she's also made a bit of an effort with her cell too, her poster board is covered in pictures of flowers. Helen informs Pam that she's been allocated a place in an open prison, she's concerned at first, but when she hears that she'll still be seeing her therapist, she brightens up a bit...well, she looks a whole lot saner, but she's still got that poppy eye dealie going on when she smiles.

Anyway, Nikki arrives at the cell-door then...

Nikki : Oh...I...er...wondered if you'd like to do a bit of gardening this morning (cut to Pam's grinning face which is still incredibly off-putting)...saw from your notice board that you like flowers eh? (Turns to Helen) Well, if I can fix it with the screws.

Helen smiles and leaves the cell.

Interesting little scene there, the whole thing was obviously an attempt by Nikki to get back into Helen's good books...that's probably why she was so incredibly nervous sounding when she made the offer to Pam...but notice, apart from her parting smile, Helen doesn't look at Nikki once, if I didn't know any better I’d swear that she didn't trust herself to...feelings are still obviously on the back-burner for both of them...but have no fear, they're obviously still there.

Down on G1, Denny is trying to leave a message for Jessie at her hostel when Josh comes across her...he asks her if she's heard anything about Bodybag's clock and tells her that he heard that Crystal teefed it, Denny is puzzled about his interest until he reveals that Crystal's living with him and that they're about to get married...she's really chuffed but he begs her to keep it a secret, even from Shaz, she agrees and congratulates him before realising that the whole thing might be in the air now because of his suspicions about the clock...

Denny : It's bollocks! Look, I know who nicked that clock and her name ain't Crystal!

Nice one Denny! Put that in your pipe and smoke it Di Barking!!!

The Julies are still fretting about Tinker, but they're also feeling incredibly guilty about the kicking Pam got...but as they mop towards each other and discuss the situation, the tears start to appear...

Julie S : Oh Jue!
Julie J : He knew we loved 'im while we 'ad 'im didn't he?
Julie S : Jue, better stop putting food out for 'im now, eh?
Julie J : Yeah, don't want a pet rat do we?

Just then, Nikki arrives and tells the Julies to meet her outside by the bins...the Julies are mystified, but all becomes clear when Nikki opens the door to the potting-shed to reveal Pam, Tinker and a basket full of kittens...

Nikki : Better change it to Tinkerbell!

Both Julies dissolve into tears at this point...

Both Julies : Oh Jue!

Only they squeak it instead of say it.

Pam is a bit confused by this and looks to Nikki for an explanation...

Pam : Why are they crying?
Nikki : They're nutters!

Nikki's quick to give Helen the good news...

Helen : A cat?
Nikki : A mother cat and its kittens, called Tinkerbell...it's okay, the Julies have got a good home lined up for them - Monica's Lindsey's...I just need you to sign their release warrant so that she can come and collect them.
Helen : Leave it with me.
Nikki : Gotta apologise to you...you were dead right about Pam Jolly.
Helen : Well you were right, I was putting my neck on the block...but I really feel I can change things now.

Shit!!! It's that crappy, sodding music again!!!!

Helen : (Reaches into the file she's carrying and hands Nikki a new copy of 'Sophie's World') Nearly forgot...I know it's not the same but...

Nikki opens the book, and inside is written...

Until we meet on the outside

The two share a smile and Helen leaves...Nikki's got that gooey look back!!!

Down at lunch, Pam's sitting at a table with her cutlery and minus her food, Shell, helpful little soul she is decides to point this out...

Shell : Oi spazzer! You forgot something! Round thing...you know...called a plate!

She's knocked for six when the Julies arrive bearing plates of food before placing them down reverently in front of Pam...

Shell : What's this?
Julie S : Silver service!
Nikki : Cat got your tongue Dockley?

Down by the gate, Josh is signing out as Di prepares to leave for the night...he thanks her for all of her help and she gushes...

Di : Next time I see you, you'll be in uniform!

She leaves just as Dr No No arrives; he pushes his keys through to the security guard...

Dr No No : Give them to the next sucker! God help him!

At last, the dozy old twonk has finally been given the bum's rush!!!! We can only hope that Zandra is looking down from the heavens and grinning.

Shell catches up with Fenner who is looking edgier and sweatier by the minute...

Shell : Permission to have a new sheet sir?
Fenner : Why? Have you worn that one out making swingers?
Shell : No, 'cause I come on! (Opens the sheet to reveal massive blood stain...she grins at the obvious affect she's had on him as he gapes at her open mouthed and crapping himself and gathers the sheet back up) Don't worry, I’ll go and ask Miss Rossi!

On the outside, Josh arrives home, and who should be sitting there in her car, watching him enter his house, but Di!!! She hears him shout out 'Crystal'! and gets a very scary look on her face...oooops! No doubt blood and guts will be flying soon!!

Back at Larkhall, an extremely edgy Fenner is smoking a fag whilst leaning against the filing cabinet in the officers' room when Helen walks in, she clocks immediately that something's wrong because she hovers a discreet distance away...

Helen : I need Pam Jolly's file...(Fenner looks around and Helen notices that he's smoking like Dot Cotton)...are you alright?
Fenner : (Stubs cigarette out violently and its clear that he's just plummeted over the edge) If one more bitch...(pulls filing cabinet drawer open, extracts file and holds it towards Helen who is receiving incredibly bad vibes...she takes a step back, obviously incredibly nervous) You want a file? (Notice hands shaking really badly as he holds the file out)

Oh shit! As soon as Helen steps forward to take the file, he grabs her, swings her around and pins her up against the filing cabinet...

Fenner : Or shall I show you what you really want? Hmmmm?

The camera pans down to her crotch and he grabs it...I mean really grabs it...Helen's face is an absolute picture...she's totally terrified and looks like she's going to throw up...his face is completely different, after weeks of being intimidated by women, finally he's got power over one and he's revelling in it.

Helen manages to struggle away and flees...

Shit... 

Awards (by Coops and Filbertfox)

Following the tension and drama of last week's ep, this one from BG co-creator Maureen Chadwick was a real contrast; focusing on the relationships between most of the main characters it also included one of the warmest Nikki/Helen moments yet.

Top Dog of the Week
The mighty Helen, passionate as ever. Her long-standing vision to make G-Wing into a Lifers' Unit is coming to fruition; she saw beyond the "nutter" label given to Pam, sticking to her guns against everyone's opinion; and she showed that her commitment to Nikki hasn't wavered. But please get rid of that sodding safari jacket.

Nice to see a screw who can be calm in a crisis. Gina Rossi swept past hysterically flapping Di and tackled the fire without a second thought.

Shell played the whole wing like a violin. From Fenner to the Julies, she was on form in Yvonne's absence. But how long before Jim takes his revenge on her rather than everyone else?

Nikki gets a mention for trying to please Helen and maintain her hard image.

Twatting Twat of the Week
Betts, Betts, Betts. And just as she was looking rather fine, even to the unbiased eye. Just what the hell is it that she sees in Fenner??

Oh hello, no surprises for Coops not picking the bleedin' obvious - Helen! For taking advantage of her relationship with Nikki by persuading her to take Pam under her wing...okay, so Helen proved that the poor woman was just another victim of the piss-poor Prison Service, but bloomin' hell, she's as scary as you like...can you honestly blame Nikki for being hesitant???

Fenner - okay, so you may be falling apart at the seams Jim, but that's no excuse for scaring a woman half to death by grabbing her crotch.

Weedy Pigeon of the Week
Pam. Untreated and undiagnosed for 9 years.

Fenner...he really is having a bad time with Shell isn't he?? She's got him right where she wants him and takes every opportunity to scare the shit out of him...what with Pam at her deranged best, cell fires and every bloody woman in the place asking him if he's okay, he seriously is a bloke on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

Spin Doctor of the Week
Noooooo!!! Not Fenner again! That's 4 out of 6 episodes for bad boy Jim.

Denny for defending our favourite kleptomaniac, Crystal, to Josh.

Worst Girl of the Week
Buki for her attack on poor deranged Pam.

Shell for her strategic stirring of the G-Wing mix.

Best Line of the Week
Shell [to Nikki]: Here comes the mobile library.

Shell: Get dolloping Dawn.

Nikki: Well I'm not having Tinker shitting in my shed.

Gina: You can't fart in here without a witness.

Gina: What you got between your legs Di? A picture of Jesus?

Nikki: Cat got your tongue Dockley?

Worst Line of the Week
Shell: Don't have to lick pussies to like them, do ya?

Fenner [to Karen]: I'm trying to tell you that — I'm in love with you. [cue much wailing and gnashing of teeth from the Stoke-on-Trent area]

That bloody H&N music is driving me round the bend. I'm going to keep harping on about it.

Fenner [to Helen]: Or shall I show you what you really want?

Helen: Pam, I’m putting a lot of trust in you, you've gotta try to make this work. [Probably the most ineffectual line of the series so far...on a par with 'Don't hurt her' when Shell was dragged out of Fenner's cell in S3Ep1]

Warring Faction of the Week
Fenner and his post-traumatic stress disorder.

Shell and Pam - though no-one but Dockley knew it.

Helen and Fenner...he's really got it in for her hasn't he?? Even Karen's beginning to notice that he's more than a little obsessed.

Best Performance by an Extra
The very familiar "Hello darling" greeting from the red-shirted extra as Nikki joined the G3 crew.

Tinker(belle). Meow.

Sight of the Week
Julie S carrying the cat up to G2 in her bucket.

Julie S showing Nikki a bucket of cat poo.

Pam as human battering ram; blimey that potting shed has seen some action.

Josh's face when Di says that she's taking him to the officers' club for a drink.

Shell's bloody sheet.

Shaz's Pob impression.

Helen's huge trousers which are easily the baggiest and flariest I’ve ever seen...am wondering whether or not the plan is to sneak Nikki out stuffed up one leg...or maybe she's wearing them because that bloody orchestra that plays the soppy music is concealed up there.

Pam's evil laugh when the Julies ask her if she's got Tinker...talk about deranged! The word was invented for her!!

Our first look at Dr Yes Yes - what a twonk!!!

Helen's face when Fenner puts his hand on her crotch...a combination of complete pant filling terror, shock and nausea.

Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
Nikki coming out of the shower with barely a hint of flesh showing... makes a change!

The shortest feline gestation period in history.

Babs was conspicuous by her absence; how's her claustrophobia doing these days?

Nikki on the receiving end of yet another personality transplant...she's back to sniping at Shell and threatening people with a good slapping, honestly, she's now got more personalities than Heinz have got friggin' varieties!

Why doesn't Nikki get someone to sort her hair out??? At the moment it looks like she sleeps with her head in a chip-pan and talk about a bad case of footballers’ mullet!!! A dead ringer for 'Billy the Fish' from Viz!!

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