Season 1, Episode 9: Pay Back Time
Recap by Filbertfox

Synopsis

The episode starts with Helen putting an empty bottle of vodka into the bin....forget Sean and Nikki, Helen is obviously already married to 'Mr Stoli' darling!!! Anyway, Helen is hungover with eyes like pissholes in the snow and is not looking her best...at all...Predictably enough, bastard twat Sean can't even provide her with an ounce of sympathy...

Sean : Takes the body 36 hours.
Helen : To do what?
Sean : To get rid of the alcohol from a glass of wine.
Helen : How long does it take to get rid of the shit from a day on my job?

...Sean is still waiting for a letter from the registry office (oh yeah right Sean!!! Obviously it's been nicked from your letter-box by a rabid Helen fan) and asks Helen whether she's told her father about the wedding yet. Helen replies in the negative, it seems that she doesn't get on that well with her father and he's never approved of anything she's ever done, what makes Sean think he's going to be jumping through hoops because she's getting married?

At the prison...Denny walks out of her cell with the most incredibly cute, naughty look on her face as she walks over to speak to the Julies...

Denny : Got a surprise for you Julies.
Julie S : Oh yeah?
Julie J : Oh yeah?
Denny : Straight up, hold ya hands out.
Julie S : Watch 'er Jue!
Julie J : I'll watch her Jue. (holds her hand out and closes her eyes).
Denny : (Places an apple into Julie's hand) Open 'em.
Julie J : Oh, it's an apple, you twat! You said it was a surprise! (Chucks the apple on the floor) I don't wanna see another one of those as long as I live.
Denny : That wine tasted a bit like scrumpy when ya closed ya eyes.
Crystal : I thought it was disgusting.
Denny : So what? It got us pissed.
Crystal : Not the taste stupid! Making it in the first place, there's enough drugs in here already.
Denny : You was drinking it an all bitch.
Crystal : It was a wake, I was doing it out of respect.
Julie S : Oh take the cork out your arse will you Crystal?
Crystal : If the papers knew what went on in here there'd be a scandal.
Shell : (Overhearing the conversation) Yeah! I bloody well agree!
Julie J : That's a good idea Crystal, flash our boobs for the 'News of the World'.
Julie S : Out the cell window, fame at last love!

Crystal walks off in disgust, meanwhile, Zandra takes the opportunity to speak to Shell. Apparently Lorna is due back off holiday and Zandra wants to know if she's going to be bringing any stuff in...Shell tells Zan that she's decided to leave Lorna alone for a while and sods off back into her cell...ooooops, where's our Zan gonna get her jellies from now?

Helen, still looking like a bag o' shite, holds a meeting in the officers' room where she welcomes Lorna back off holiday and then talks about her concerns for Monica, she's still a suicide risk it seems.

After the meeting, Fenner toddles off to see Shell, it seems that the lack of trouble she's been in recently is making him nervous. Shell announces that she's decided to mend her ways and is even considering starting to go to chapel, Fenner scoffs...

Fenner : The nearest you'll ever get to religion is the missionary position.

...and obviously thinks that Shell is doing all this to try and get her Enhanced status back. Shell manages to convince him otherwise and even refuses his offer of a shag...

Shell : I'm not your old Shell anymore.

Dominic takes Helen's words about Monica very seriously indeed and pops up to her cell to give her a newspaper clipping all about dealing with bereavement...Monica, understandably, gets the feeling that she's being patronised...

Monica : When I want the advice of a boy I'll ask. Now go will you?

...Dominic takes his cue and leaves Monica's cell, by the time he's left the cell it's obvious that Monica realises that she's been too hasty but it's too late to call Dominic back.

Zandra cops Lorna coming down the stairs and asks her if she's brought anything back off her holiday...

Lorna : Like what?
Zandra : Like a stick of Blackpool twatting rock what do you think I mean?

...Zandra starts threatening Lorna but Shell steps into the rescue and tells Zandra to get lost, Zandra disappears, very unwillingly...

Zandra : You're gonna get it one day, you twat!

...Shell starts spilling her changed woman spiel to Lorna, who, like Fenner, doesn't believe a word Shell is saying at first, well, until Shell starts to convince her...what is she up to? Is this a Good Shell/Bad Shell dealie or what??

Helen goes into the library in search of Monica and runs into Nikki who is obviously concerned because the woman of her dreams looks like the woman of her nightmares...

Nikki : You look a bit pasty Helen, heavy night?
Helen : I'm looking for Monica.
Nikki : I've not seen her all day, what's wrong? Is it because I called you Helen? I thought you didn't want us to be formal.
Helen : No, I don't.
Nikki : So what's the problem? You wanna be informal but you don't want to be called Helen?
Helen : No.
Nikki : You can't have it both ways.
Helen : This is difficult for me, as I think you know.
Nikki : (Stands inches away from Helen) So what do you want? (Helen takes a step back) Sorry, am I making you feel uncomfortable?
Helen : (Thoroughly confused and backing away) If you see Monica will you tell her that I'm looking for her?

...Helen leaves the library and a very pissed off looking Nikki.

Down in the 4-bed dorm, a very heavily pregnant Zandra is fanning herself with a newspaper while Crystal looks on. Zandra walks over to open the window but doesn't have much luck...

Zandra : Come on you twatting twat! I said come on!
Crystal : Calm down.
Zandra : Bloody windows! They're all spastics!

...Crystal pisses Zandra right off by opening the window first time, she then asks Zandra what's wrong only to be told that Zandra can't get any gear from Shell because she's given up dealing. Crystal, like Zandra, is sceptical and says that Shell must be trying to make people desperate so that she can put her prices up...even Zandra thinks Shell's been paid a visit by the God squad.

Talking about Shell...she's emptying her washing out of the tumble-drier machine and passes it to Dawn for folding when she notices Crystal enter the laundry room...Crystal is suspicious and questions Shell about her motives for stopping her supply of drugs to the other inmates. Shell explains that she's turned over a new leaf, but is concerned that the inmates can still get their drugs from elsewhere. This winds Crystal up big style and Shell suggests that maybe Crystal should write a letter to the newspapers...

Shell : If Myra Hindley gets her letters printed, why can't you?

...Dawn interrupts Shell's blatant spin-doctoring and complains that Shell's washing is still damp...

Shell : Oh bloody useless these dryers i'nt they? More hot air up Hollamby's arse!

...Shell returns to her persuasive tactics and makes Crystal think that writing a letter is a good idea by saying that it might actually be a bad idea....Crystal is left in a deeply reflective mood.

Meanwhile, Monica is on the phone and telling her solicitor that she wants to drop her appeal...A shocked Helen overhears and tries to persuade Monica otherwise, only to be told by Monica that she doesn't care if she rots in prison, there's nothing outside for her now that Spencer is dead. Oh dear, Helen is not having a good day.

Shell and Denny come across Crystal when she is finishing her letter to the newspaper, Shell reads the letter and suggests that Crystal should make a point of mentioning G-Wing and Helen's name, Crystal agrees but Denny is perplexed and asks Shell why she wants Crystal to write a letter to the newspapers...

Shell : We've got to get rid of these drugs that are screwing up peoples lives! Haven't we?
Denny : What? So, like we stop taking 'em?
Shell : Well look what they've done to your bloody brain!

...Shell and Crystal roll their eyes at each other and poor Denny storms off in a strop.

Down in the garden...

Helen : Nikki, can I have a word?
Nikki : You again?
Helen : Look, I need to ask a favour. It's about Monica, I know I shouldn't be telling you this but I've run out of ideas. She's refusing to go through with her appeal.
Nikki : What?
Helen : She says that she doesn't care anymore now that Spencer's dead.
Nikki : Have you talked to her?
Helen : Me, her solicitor, a couple of officers, she just doesn't want to know.
Nikki : And you want me to have a go?
Helen : Could you? I know that she respects you.
Nikki : I'll try.
Helen : Thanks, and I haven't said anything okay?
Nikki : Sure Helen, it's okay.

We then see Monica taking a pill that the nurse gives to her...as soon as the nurse leaves the cell, Monica spits the pill out and hides it with some others in the end of her toothpaste tube...she couldn't be, could she?

Brilliant scene coming up...in the chapel, Crystal is leading the service, Fenner looks on in amazement because the majority of the congregation consists of Shell and her cronies...

Crystal : In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, Amen.
Shell : (Looking at Crystal) Amen (Turns to look at Denny)
Denny : (Looking at Shell) Amen (Turns to look at Dawn)
Dawn : (Looking at Denny) Amen.

...it's the three stooges!!!!!

Monica decides to get her pills out and count them, Nikki walks in and Monica is forced to put her pills in the sink, she hides them by standing in front of the sink. Nikki tries to persuade Monica to resume her appeal but is given very short shrift, well, until Nikki asks for a drink of water and walks towards the sink. Monica is forced to think quickly and finally manages to get rid of Nikki by agreeing to restart her appeal.

Down by the pool table, some of the inmates are playing pool while they discuss Shell...

Julie S : Shell? In the God squad?
Zandra : It's bollocks, she's up to something.
Julie J : Is she for real?
Crystal : That's between Shell and the Lord, if she's pretending he's sure gonna be one angry Messiah!
Julie S : And I suppose you've found salvation as well have you Denny?
Denny : I don't do everything Shell tells me, alright?
Zandra : If Shell told her to live in a barrel of shit she'd do it. (Denny takes exception to this and attacks Zandra with a pool cue)
Both Julies : Oh very Christian!

...Fenner breaks it up and the Julies lead Zandra away...

Crystal : What d'you do that for?
Denny : Shut up.

...Denny's clearly not a happy bunny at the moment.

Okay, so Nikki's obviously managed to grow out of her trousers while she's been inside because they are flapping at half-mast around her ankles...has Shell been sneaking 'Growmore' into the porridge we wonder?? Anyway, Nikki is on the phone and scribbles something down on a piece of paper before dialling another number.

At exactly the same time, Helen is drinking a glass of wine (again!!! She'll be joining Jessie in the park and shouting at passers by if she doesn't watch it!!) at home while being relentlessly pawed by Sean, who is obviously wondering what's wrong with her.

Helen's phone rings...it couldn't be, could it?????

Sean picks the phone up and Nikki asks to speak to Helen, Sean hands the phone to Helen but Nikki hangs up. Do we think Helen knows it was her because she decides against ringing 1471???

Back at the prison, Denny and Shell join in with Crystal in a rendition of 'Lord of the Dance', Bodybag, who has very sensitive ears, poor soul tells them to put a sock in it...

Bodybag : You're not digging a tunnel under that bed are you? Using this racket to cover up the noise.

...Crystal starts strumming again and Bodybag storms out of the room in disgust. Shell uses the opportunity to ask Crystal how her letter is getting on, Crystal tells her that the letter is on its way to 'The Guardian' and Shell's joy is plain to see as she and a very reluctant Denny join in with another verse.

A few days (??) later, Fenner can't contain his glee when he reads Crystal's letter from the newspaper, especially when he notices that the letter mentions Helen by name. Bodybag, her normal compassionate self, says that the only way to stop the drugs coming in is to impose closed visits, predictably, Dominic leaps to Helen's defence but Bodybag is adamant...

Bodybag : Keep them in their kennels all day, that's what I say.

...The argument continues and Dominic mentions the fact that on the outside someone would get 2 years for possessing cocaine but inside they would get 28 days loss of remission. Bodybag, again, has completely lost the plot...

Bodybag : In the papers eh? Just wait until I tell my Bobby.

Helen walks in the officers' room and Fenner just can't wait to shove the newspaper down her throat, as Helen is reading the letter, Lorna takes a phone call from Stubberfield, Helen is summoned to his office.

The letter is being circulated around the wing, Nikki is sitting on the stairs and reading it when Shell decides to stick her oar in...

Shell : In deep shit your Miss Stewart.
Nikki : Piss off Dockley.

...Shell goes off to crow and exchanges a significant glance with a jubilant Crystal, well, until the Julies get in on the act...

Julie S : Smart girl Crystal.
Julie J : Yeah, very clever.
Crystal : Well you have to speak up for what you believe in, innit?
Julie S : All your own work was it?
Crystal : Sure was.
Julie S : So only you to blame?
Crystal : For what?
Julie S : For when they put us on closed visits! You slack divvy!
Julie J : Yeah, yer slack divvy!
Zandra : And no gear coming in.
Julie S : You might get your bleedin' jollies by singing to the Lord but what about us?
Julie J : Yeah, what about us you stupid cow?
Crystal : When it stops the drugs from getting in here you'll thank me one day.
Zandra : And, you might get your reward in heaven sooner than you think.

...Crystal storms off in disgust while Shell and Denny exchange grins, looks like Shell's been spinning her a line.

Up in Stubberfield's office, Helen is getting an ear-bashing from the twat and trying to defend herself...

Helen : I've tried everything I can to stop the drugs getting into the prison. I might as well stand on the beach and tell the tide to stop coming in!

...Stubberfield notices that Crystal's letter makes mention of the fact that Crystal had already complained about the drugs situation but that Helen ignored her...he makes it very clear that Helen is to blame.

Helen, as she always does in a crisis, goes off to speak to Nikki...

Nikki : I'm sorry about the letter.
Helen : Doing the rounds is it? Well, only to be expected.
Nikki : I phoned you last night.
Helen : I thought it might be you. How did you get my number?
Nikki : Directory inquiries, out of order, I know, I'm sorry, I just wanted to tell you the good news.
Helen : What good news?
Nikki : I think I've got Monica to reconsider.
Helen : Thank God something's gone right today, well done.
Nikki : I thought it might cheer you up. Don't worry about the letter.
Helen : No?
Nikki : You've got lots of other things to look forward to, like a wedding to plan.
Helen : That's right. Anyway, well done about Monica. I'll see you Nikki.
Nikki : See you Helen.

Helen has a go at an unrepentant Crystal who ends up wiping the floor with her. Shit, looks like Helen might be taking a share of Monica's pills.

Down in the exercise yard, Shell has obviously managed to persuade Lorna that she's off the drugs and she tells her that she's got one more job for her, to bring a bottle of perfume in. Lorna agrees but makes it clear that this is the last time, if not, she'll quit her job. What's Shell up to now????

Monica is counting her pills again (how many times is that now??), honestly! Does she think they're being pilfered by the cleaning lady or something? Anyway, this time Helen walks in and Monica is forced to hide them. Helen starts going on about Monica's appeal and Monica tells her that she's had a word with Nikki and has decided to go ahead with it...Helen, obviously desperate for some good news, is ecstatic. But Monica obviously doesn't give a shit about the appeal, she's too busy counting her pills.

A package is delivered to Lorna's house, Lorna opens it and discovers Shell's perfume, she pulls the packet apart to check for contraband and then puts it back together, obviously satisfied that Shell isn't trying it on.

Meanwhile, Shell is still playing Crystal like a violin and just happens to mention to Crystal that Lorna Rose is bringing gear in. Crystal insists that they go straight to Helen. Once in Helen's office, Shell and Crystal tell her that Lorna Rose is bringing gear in, Helen isn't convinced at first, but then Shell tells her that she can prove it.

That afternoon, during lock-up, Fenner decides to pay a visit to Shell's cell, only for her to tell him that Helen is staking the cell out...Fenner disappears faster than a rat up a drainpipe...a few minutes later, Lorna arrives and gives Shell the perfume...Helen pounces.....Lorna's in serious do do.

The DST pull the package apart, and hidden between the packaging find a bag of smack...Lorna's face is a picture as she is taken away to a waiting police car.

The next day, Stubberfield decides to pay a visit to G-Wing, Fenner and Bodybag are very quick to stab Helen in the back and blame her for the bad state of the wing, from the look on Stubberfield's face it's obvious that he agrees....My God! From the way everyone is conspiring against her, Helen is perfectly within her rights to change her name to Julius Caesar, pull on a toga and run through G-Wing shouting 'Infamy, infamy...they've all got it infamy!'. Things can only get worse though, Stubberfield goes straight to Helen and tells her that he's ordering closed visits.

Back at the prison, there's mutiny abound, and everyone is blaming Helen, well until her greatest ever fan jumps in to defend her...

Nikki : If anyone's to blame it's Dockley for setting up Lorna Rose. That's what's done this.
Shell : That's bollocks!
Nikki : Is it? I'd say it's spot on myself.

...Good job Nikki! The inmates all stare at Shell accusingly and from the look on Shell's face it's obvious that she's cacking her knickers.

Meanwhile, in the officers' room...

Bodybag : Best news I've heard in ages.
Dominic : What, 90 women on a short fuse? Dead cushy.
Bodybag : Yes, well any trouble you just bang 'em up. Happiness is door shaped as far as I'm concerned.

Shell's reasons for her latest trick come to light when Helen refuses to put her back on Enhanced...Bad Shell is very quick to make an appearance when Fenner goes to tell her the good news. Fenner has a go at Shell and tells her that if she'd have gone to him with the information about Lorna that he could've taken it straight to Stubberfield and got Helen the sack. Shell finally realises what a big mistake she's made...

Here it is, the day we've been waiting for, Yvonne Atkins, top dog, swaggers into the prison and makes an impact almost immediately...

Bodybag : I've been reading about you in the papers.
Yvonne : I've been reading about you in the papers. Seems I've managed to get here at a very interesting time.
Bodybag : Well, just so you know, you might be famous on the outside but you won't be in here.
Yvonne : Wanna bet?

...Yvonne is allowed onto the wing to greet her public...

Yvonne : Are these my new neighbours?
Shell : Any objection.
Yvonne : None at all sweetheart. The name's Yvonne, hope you like a good party girls! (walks away)
Zandra : Who's that?
Nikki : That's Yvonne Atkins.
Julie S : It's Charlie Atkins' wife innit?
Nikki : Someone tried to muscle in on him, she got a hit-man to bump him off, hitman grassed.
Denny : What she get?
Nikki : Four years.
Denny : She can bump me off anyday!

After lock-up, Helen makes an appearance in Nikki's cell, Nikki looks up from the book she's reading and notices that Helen is more than a little upset...

Nikki : Don't let the buggers get you down!
(Helen walks into cell, closes the door behind her and sits down next to Nikki on her bed)
Helen : What you reading?
Nikki : 'Little Dorrit', it's a story about a terrible prison.
Helen : Thank goodness we got rid of all of those!
Nikki : You're doing your bit Helen, most of the girls in here know that deep down.
Helen : (In tears) Yeah? But for how much longer?
Nikki : Hey, come here! (puts her arm around Helen)
Helen : I'm just getting it from all sides Nikki, you know?..From above and below. (totally in tears now) It just would be so much easier just to give in.
Nikki : (grabs Helen's face and pulls it towards her) You mustn't think like that.
Helen : No?

...Flaming Nora!!! Here it is girls....THE KISS!!!!!

Okay, so whatever Helen says afterwards, it was not completely Nikki's fault, Nikki may have started it but Helen definitely replies...plus she makes little squeaking noises in the back of her throat that definitely prove to me that she was enjoying it...people have suggested that maybe Helen was making those noises because she was trying to stop herself...maybe she was, but the bottom line is that until she realises what she's doing and comes to her senses, she returns the kiss!!!!

Helen pulls away...

Nikki : Sorry! (slams fist down on bed) I shouldn't have done that!
Helen : No you shouldn't!

...Once outside the cell, Helen, completely and utterly gobsmacked, lifts her hand to her mouth and gently touches her lips...

You won't believe this...MONICA IS COUNTING HER PILLS AGAIN!!!! God! You've got half a bloody mind to shove the frigging things down her throat yourself just to stop her bleeding counting them...

...And all the while the voices call out...

Julie J : Writing anymore letters Crystal?
Zandra : Send one to Yvonne's hitman, ask him to take you out.
Julie S : She can do that herself can't she? She works in the kitchen, she can get a knife and slit her own bleeding throat!
Julie J : And Dockley's while she's at it!

...And the night closes in on Larkhall...

Awards

Top Dog of the Week
Nikki, for being a good mate to Monica, for defending Helen and for turning the wing on Shell.

Twatting Twat of the Week
Stubberfield....he's really got a problem with Helen ain't he?

Crystal deserves a mention here for falling for Shell's born again routine and for sending the letter to the newspaper.

Weedy Pigeon of the Week
Helen. Obvious innit? She has a hangover, Sean won't stop wittering on about the wedding like a stupid girlie and the three stooges; Bodybag, Fenner and Stubberfield are all making her life a misery....and all this plus the fact that she's struggling mightily against her feelings for Nikki.

Oh, gotta mention Lorna for being set-up, kicked out and handed over to the police...oh well, at least we won't be hearing anymore of her Bruce Forsyth impressions...my love.

Spin Doctor of the Week
Can only go to the mistress of evilness herself, Shell Dockley. Right from the start, she plays Crystal, Fenner, Lorna and even on occasion Helen like a violin...it all comes crashing down around her ears of course but you have to admire her ingenuity.

Worst Girl of the Week
Denny, for attacking jelly belly Zandra....just because Shell's reading the Bible and ain't no fun anymore.

Best Line of the Week
Well, there's a bumper crop to choose from this week...

Julie J : "Oh, it's an apple, you twat!"

Julie S : "Take the cork out your arse Crystal"

Fenner : "The nearest you'll ever get to religion is the missionary position"

Shell : "More hot air up Hollamby's arse!"

Nikki : "Piss off Dockley!"

Bodybag : "Happiness is door shaped."

But the winner has to be Zandra for outstanding use of the word twat...

Zandra : "Like a stick of Blackpool twatting rock, what do you think I mean?"

Zandra : "You're gonna get it one day, you twat!"

Zandra : "Come on you twatting twat!"

Zandra : "Bloody windows! They're all spastics!"

Worst Line of the Week
Anything Crystal says basically...she don't half get on your nerves sometimes!!!

Warring Faction of the Week
Hmmm...no one really springs to mind but by the end of the episode it's basically Crystal and Shell against the whole wing.

Sight of the Week
THE KISS!!!!!! it's bleeding obvious, innit!

Oh, have to mention, Shell, Denny and Dawn lining up in the chapel.

Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
Shell states that she has only 5 years of her sentence left to serve, thought she was in for life?

How did Nikki manage to get Helen's number from directory enquiries?? Surely it would've been nigh on impossible for her to get hold of Helen's address and we all know that DI won't give out a number without one.

Monica's pills are the greatest mystery...

1. We assume from the discussion about the hooch that it's the day after Spencer's funeral, Helen also mentions the fact that Monica has agreed to take anti-depressants, so, how, during the course of a day (a couple of days at the most) does Monica manage to collect so many?

2. Why the blinking flip was she counting them every 5 seconds???

3. Why hasn't anyone noticed that she's not taking her pills? With the dosage the nurse has got her on surely she should be as jellied as Zandra on a good day???

4. Is it just me or are all toothpaste tubes made of plastic these days?

Moving on...

The women are forced to sleep in horrible, damp, cockroach ridden cells with only a thin mattress for comfort, yet the prison is nice enough to provide one of those little gardening cushions so that Nikki can weed in comfort.

But the biggest mystery is how the hell did the Shed's wardrobe mistress get through to the end of the series without Mandana Jones strangling her???? We have the lipstick, the earrings, the ghastly dressing gown, the terrible tops, the flip-flops, the bodywarmer, and now we have half-mast trousers.......how much more does the poor woman have to bear???????

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